We've Got a Date!

Went in for another sonogram. It also included surprise blood work ("surprise" might be a strong word, I get that most people don't feel the need to mentally prepare for days before a routine blood draw, so it isn't notable enough to bring up ahead of time) 

Good news: The blood work was easy!

Better news: My sonogram showed 9.1 (I'll explain later)

BEST news: I got to call the mom and tell her that after all this time we've been talking and testing- SHE HAS A DATE FOR EMBRYO TRANSFER! I guess "we", but all I can think of is them. Now it is really starting to feel like the beginning of something. A temporary something for me, and a VERY big VERY exciting something for them. 

There were happy tears.

(Don't stereotype! Just because I'm on hormones you assumed it was me! It wasn't me…this time)

Now back to that 9.1  

The ultrasound was to check the thickness of my uterine lining. It's got to be nice and thick so the embryo has somewhere to land, attach, and nourish itself until it gets a yolk sak. This is also why I stopped drinking when I started taking the blue hormone pills. No one said to stop, but I just like the idea of having the most premium lining available. I did the same thing when we were trying with Eli.   The lining needed to be at least a 7, and wouldn't you know those little blue pills really WERE doing something, because it was a 9.1! Go uterus go! 

When I took this picture I didn't realize that one little kneecap would make this picture so terribly awkward. I think I've just had enough of these that it seems mundane. Fun fact (learned by snooping at the sonogram screen), my left ovary not only likes to hide…it is notably smaller than the right (based on measurements, not just me eyeballing it). Don't be TOO jealous that you don't know how your ovaries measure up. 

So, we set the date for transfer and I got my instructions for the next hormone (what day to start, when to take it, and how to use it…BEACAUSE IT ISN'T A SHOT!!!) We also got a date for the official pregnancy test. I am just SO hopeful they get a positive test! 

All good news. 

Now the plan is to keep taking the hormones, add the big hormone this weekend, and wait to hear back about the TIME for transfer. Yes, we have the date, but they schedule all the women who have egg RETRIEVALS in the morning (not us- she already went through all that work and their embryos shipped from their long term frozen home to here…as in they were in the same building as me. cool.), so we won't know a time until all those ladies are scheduled (good luck ladies!)    

Embryo transfer: what to expect when you're expecting to expect 

1) I go in with the mom. She'll have selected the embryo and hopefully it survives the "thaw" from its frozen state. If not, they have to try "the embryo with the next highest potential". It all sounds very clinical, but put yourself in this couples' shoes. These are their embryos. Each one is the hope and dream of a little baby. "Not surviving the thaw" and having to "move on to the next most viable option"  is a loss. I understand that we all see life as beginning somewhere different, but for me, these are little (albeit teeny tiny)  foundations for babies. They may not have heartbeats, brains, or skeletal systems (or any body systems for that matter), but they have already been thought of, loved, and prayed for. I don't think that any of us take this part of it lightly.  

2)  I get a uterine catheter (sounds WAAAAY worse than it is, seriously, the last one was easier than a pap) and they put the embryo in (yes, just one). I believe I heard somewhere that I need to hang out for like half an hour afterward. *remember, the embryo is the dad's sperm and the mom's egg already united. That part of the job is already done. 

3) Then, just like every other hopeful and nervous couple trying to have a kid…THEY WAIT. Waiting for a pregnancy test is SUCH a rush. Hopeful waiting, but it also borders on torturous. My goal is for them to find out first. It may take some tricky tricky maneuvering- but I'm up for a challenge!

Thanks for all the prayers by the way. 

Many people have told me about all the different people praying for us. I won't lie, I used to dislike it when people said they would pray for me. I still haven't quite figured out why yet, but the point is- NOW I'm all over it. I told one friend that my new attitude is "Say a prayer and tell a friend!" 

I am SO thankful for not only the people around us all doing the praying, but also for the parents who knew that was such an important part of this process that it helped them to decide when to make it public knowledge. I can't imagine going through the uncertainty of embryo transfer without being able to reach out to the people we love the most and to know that they are reaching out to the One who loves us the most. Ooooh…that was inadvertently deep. 

Hormone #1 Update

This must be the gentle no big deal hormone…because I'm feeling pretty darn good! I actually feel better than when I was on the birth control! The only side effect I've noticed is that my dizzy spells have substantially increased (not EVERY time I stand up, but more than not)

I feel better within seconds- so no big deal AT ALL. 

I COULD be more tired, but it's hard to tell as I am pretty much always tired. I've always been able to nap anytime, anywhere. I used to take naps in my car outside of school my first year of teaching. Plus, after rocking him in a dim room with white noise for 15 minutes, I feel like anyone would want to take a nap. Eli's been sleeping in later (getting up closer to 6:45 rather than 6…those 45 minutes are HUGE), so he's really helping me out. 

Mood-wise, I FEEL the same. I asked Rico for his honest opinion, and he said he feels like I haven't acted differently. 

So far, SO GOOD! 

Sonogram Tuesday to check if the hormone has done its job and my lining is ready for their tiny human. If it is, we get to SCHEDULE THE EMBRYO  TRANSFER!!!!!!!!! Probably for the next week. 

Yes, yes, yes, yes yes!

Hormones Begin...

Tomorrow I feel like things get real. Sure, I've had ultrasounds, blood tests, meetings with therapists, and signed a contract...but none of those things CHANGED me. 

I think that's what makes tomorrow feel big, even though when I told my husband, "I start my first hormone tomorrow" his reaction was a bland, "ok"

TECHNICALLY I suppose I was "taking hormones" before now, but it was just your run of the mill birth control (which I thought for sure I would never see again back when I quit a few years ago)
 Those don't feel real though. 

I'd been there. 

I'd done that. 

The hormones I start tomorrow (a little blue pill twice a day) symbolize the REAL unknown, the REAL "you're prepping your body for their baby". 

I won't lie and say I'm not nervous. 

Nervous that I'll be a train wreck emotionally. 

Nervous that I'll be worn down and unable to be the mom to Eli I want to be. 

Nervous that it won't work and all the guilt (wait, I'm supposed to re-frame that to be "disappointment") I would feel. 

So, all these things are popping up from my subconscious (I don't spend a lot, if any, time consciously worrying about it) on my drive home from a meal-prep workshop. *maybe because that is the first chunk of time I've had truly ALONE to let my mind wander

I decided I should probably pray about it, especially given this perfect 25 minute commute opportunity. 

Fully intending to be the talker, not the listener, I skipped my iTunes past the current song (it was that song from RENT about all those minutes- great song, but not really the feel I was going for) to get background music. 

Sure enough, I got JUST the song I needed. It's one of those songs that you know, and you sing, but you've never really HEARD it. 

I love those moments where you just know you are meant to be right where you are doing right what you are doing and hearing exactly what you are hearing. 

I decided if God was going to do the talking, I was going to shut up and listen. 

He delivered. 

You should listen. But listen thinking of those specific worries I had on my mind. Whoa. 

Kutless, Carry Me to The Cross.

Music does it for me. This isn't the first time in this process He's given me a song (in fact, he may just be making my birthing playlist!) The first song He gave me will ALWAYS remind me of this family and this process. I heard it in concert once and remember thinking, "I feel nothing right now. I feel like this should be moving and touching and impactful (*not a word)- but I feel literally nothing." I wasn't even sure I LIKED the song. 

Then this gestational carrier process happened. I heard it on the radio one morning and cried by the end of the first refrain. 

When I hear it, I imagine the birth of the baby. It's dim. It's quiet. I'm needing reassurance and a second wind of energy (if you're a birthie, think transition) and the parents are there wanting to make it not hurt, but feeling helpless: so they pray.

Some birth strategies encourage you to pick a mantra- Something to set the tone, motivate you, and keep you focused on what you really think is important- that refrain is my mantra. I realized I don't just want it to be my mantra for the delivery, but for the entire process. The good AND the bad. The celebrations AND the disappointments.
*yes, this sounds crazy. I wrote off a "mantra" the second someone suggested it, but then Rico accidentally started repeating "Stay low, stay calm" throughout Eli's labor and it really did help.*

It really is a simple song, but it IMMEDIATELY resonated with me even though only months before it meant nothing. 

THEN we sang it at church the next day (love our worship band, but incorporating NEW music isn't something they do) and I cried again! I obviously HAD to tell the mom, and when she listened to it, she saw a rainbow... And also cried. All these tears!
*Right now you either think we are all nutcases or you totally get it.*

Since then, klove has played it almost every single time I've gotten in the car (which isn't shocking, as klove can tend to go overboard- but this time I don't mind). Even when I drive 3 minutes to the grocery store I will inevitably hear it.  

But back to hormone-eve. After the Kutless song, I said "thanks!" out loud, and by the time the introductory notes for the next song came on I was laughing. He did it again. 

I have a song that got me through the stress of teaching. I would play it every morning in my car before going in to work.
Every morning.
Even if I was running behind.
 Sometimes I listened to it on loop.
 I once listened to it 10 times in a row. 

THAT was the next song. 

I had just heard it the day before, while working out and had to skip it (listen to it, you'll see it's the EXACT opposite of what you shod listen to while trying to motivate yourself to run just one more lap). I was disappointed because with all the music on my iTunes, it is very rare that it just pops up when I play my entire play list on shuffle, so I didn't know the next time I would get to hear it. (The next day apparently. )

There was nothing left to do but let out a chuckle and enjoy. 

"Slow me down" by the Robbie Saeys Band. (If you have control issues or a perfectionist personality or are just feeling overwhelmed- you should probably listen to this song)

So now, waiting for bed (I think my tea must have been caffeinated) I'm thankful for these reminders. For the songs that tell me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Thankful that (besides Erik) the first person I wanted to run home and tell was the mom, because I knew she would think it was as cool as I did. That Kutless song ALSO reminded me that I get to be thankful for all the support I have around me. I don't have to be worried about how this might bring me down, because I've got family 3 minutes away in any direction. Plus, this baby's mom had to go through the hormone game last go-around so once again, "I'm not alone". Even the baby's Grandma has been an encouraging word at just the right time. We've got people all over the state praying for us- people I don't know, and people the parents have never met.
* I get that the line is intended to be about God, but in this instance it can ALSO be about the amazing people He's surrounded me with for when times get hard.

REALLY amazing people.