Birth Story

It's going to be long….you've been warned. 

The Build Up: 

In the weeks before the due date, we were all just throwing darts at when the baby might arrive. I don't get checked (because it tells you very little- I mean I could be 3cm but that doesn't tell me anything about when baby will come. For example, my sister was a 4 for weeks before she went into labor while I went from a 7 to a 10 in just minutes).
So we waited. All I had to report was that Yes, I did feel like I was dilating and Yes, I was losing my mucus plug slowly… and some hours NOT so slowly. I was seeing a chiropractor (my midwife's husband actually) weekly, and this week he told me I was finally starting to get a little more elastic, Apparently I had some ligaments that were behaving themselves quite well and indicated that I might have a good labor. We all got more and more excited as the due date approached.  I got together a 9 hour playlist of music to birth to, all my birth quote cards (only THREE had to be re-worded to make sense for birthing a baby that isn't mine!),

and my essential oils (These roller balls were SUPER cute, and my color coded system was a sure fire hit until Rico's phone deleted the chart saying what everything was. Not Cool. I figured it out eventually and wrote a legend on the actual box) 

I was feeling good, even building, working, and tearing down my "Fall Fest" station at work in the days before. A great way to channel nesting energy.

Strangers seemed more concerned that he'd be coming at any moment than me. I just kept saying, "He'll come when he's ready. I'm not in a rush." Although, I was VERY thankful he didn't decide to make his entrance when I was wearing this:

 The last couple nights I was starting to get pretty tired at the end of the day so Rico and I would make sure bags were packed and the house was picked up and ready JUST in case. The mom was obviously starting to get ready too, as she was getting reflective as it got closer.

I also started finding myself getting last details ready for the delivery, including a prayer list. 

Here's what I was praying for: 

-The parents will make it on time and safely (reminder: it is a 4 hour drive)

-Stress to get here wouldn't trigger an attack for mom and she will be able to be every bit as present and involved as she wants to be without limitations from her disease

-Our team (Rico, the parents, midwife, doula, birth photographer, OB, and nurses) would work seamlessly together in joy and peace: each valuing, respecting, and enhancing the skill sets they each bring to the team

-Labor is able to progress without interventions and baby is healthy

-That I am able to maintain freedom of movement all the way through delivery

-That fear be kept far away this entire process- for everyone involved. That fear is replaced by trust and calm when it does try to creep in

-That baby is able to go straight to mom and dad for skin to skin and his first moments with his family are blissful and worry free

-That there will be an extra room available for them to bond in privacy

-Quick healing for me- and an early release from the hospital

-That the parents would get to be the ones to introduce me to the baby

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: If you skip everything else, that God is central during the entire labor/delivery. That His hand and guidance is clear and evident. That there is an overwhelming sense of this being HIS story and to HIS glory. That His sovereignty, power, grace, and goodness is FELT by everyone involved. 

In fact, I shared this with one of my friends, and my small group prayed for these things the night labor started. 

Labor Begins!

I woke up at 3:45am (ON the due date) with a contraction. BUT, was it REALLY a contraction? I waited for a few more (about 4:15 am) to wake up Rico. We agreed that we should see if one more came before calling the parents. The official "hey- how about today for a birthday?" call came at 4:48am. She was SO happy. (it seems silly to say that, but her voice was IMMEDIATELY awake and cheerful and excited and ALL the good things you would expect). I told her we were still contracting about 15 minutes apart when she asked "Should we be running to the car?" and I said I thought they could get everything together and be calm and collected. *in retrospect, I'm glad they booked it, because they made it in PERFECT timing and that was going 90 mph most of the *normally* 4 hour drive*

During contractions I rolled on my birth ball or swayed leaning over our bed. Anything with movement felt better. I wasn't making any noises through most of them.

I contracted, then ate the same fried egg and spinach on wheat that I've had for breakfast EVERY day while pregnant. 

I contracted, then showered. (I actually had a few contractions in the shower because it felt so good)

I contracted, then dried my hair. (actually, 3 breaks for contractions to get all this dry)

I contracted, then did my makeup.

I contracted, then updated the midwife. 

I contracted, then curled my hair.

I contracted, then got out my labor outfit.

I contracted, then texted my friend who is a nurse at the birth center and had told me to let her know when I was ready so she could check on a nurse that would be good for my naturally minded birth plan (and so she could check on how full the birth center might be)

I contracted, then called my mom to get Eli. 

I contracted, then put on my swimsuit to get ready for the tub.

I contracted, then said my good-byes to Eli. (7:15 ish)

As soon as Eli left, I got into our tub. Let me just say, this tub just got finished and cleaned less than a week ago.  My brother in law was tiling the tub the week before and I kept thinking, "If I don't get to labor in this tub and I'm sitting on Eli's crocodile bath mat having contractions, that will be a real shame!" But it got done in time! 

Before: 

And After: 

Once Eli had left with my mom, it was like my body was ready to REALLY start labor. And, as it turns out, it is the PERFECT laboring tub. It even has the perfect size wall to lean over.

My contractions got stronger, and I found myself starting to groan through them rather than stay silent.

Erik turned the lights out, put my labor play list on, put some "labor oil" in the tub (thanks to my last doula for that suggestion) and lit some candles while I contracted in the tub. I would lay back between contractions, then lean on the wall and sway in the tub during a contraction. 

 The bath plan was 2 fold:

1: Contractions were starting to get to the point I couldn't talk through them and I needed to concentrate. I knew water could help that.

2: I was A-OK with slowing labor down. I wanted to make sure the parents got here and I thought this might be a great way to labor slowly but comfortably.

Contractions picked up in both intensity and timing, and I started clearly moving into the "serious" sign posts of labor. I told Rico I wanted the midwife to come- I wanted her to be there to help us decide when to leave for the hospital. 

He called her and she said she'd be over soon.

As he hung up, I started vomiting (a GREAT sign of progressing into the transition phase of labor). Rico called her right back and the plan changed to meeting the midwife at the hospital. 

At this point, I didn't want to get in the car (yet ANOTHER great sign of transition), so Rico allowed me one more contraction in the tub before getting out. Then one more on the ball upstairs. Then one more (that I demanded turn into 2 more) on the ball downstairs (because getting in the car was NOT sounding fun…you can't contract on a birth ball in a car seat)

On the drive over we listened to more of my birth play list.My eyes stayed closed the whole time (again, another sign I am REALLY getting into labor- when my eyes close and don't open) I had 3 contractions on the drive over- 1 was really easy, the other two were not-so-fun. They also both occurred while we were on ramps and merging. I don't love merging. I REALLY don't love merging while in the middle of a contraction where I am stuck sitting. 

Arriving at the Birth Center

Rico pulled up to the birth center and the midwife was waiting with a smile…and smelling all sorts of wonderful. I mean, she just smelled like "ahhhh, that's nice"

I looked at her and asked "Any chance they have a birth ball in that waiting room?" and then proceeded to have a contraction leaning on a handrail in the vestibule. We went to the desk for check-in, and they knew who we were and about our situation (shout out to my friend for setting us up for success). 

1 contraction mid-paperwork

1 contraction waiting to be walked back to the room.

Both just leaning on the counter swaying. No ball. The midwife reminded me to relax my shoulders and encouraged me through them. 

Back we went, to the last room in the hall. "Nice and quiet" the nurse assured me (which could be code for: We know you are going to be loud, so this room allows you to do so without scaring other patients. I totally made all that up, but I feel like it makes sense) 

We're In the Room

The nurse told me it was time to get checked, I asked for a birth ball. The midwife started the tub so it could be ready once we were done getting checked. After a contraction on the ball, I laid on the bed to be checked. 

Literally my first check this whole pregnancy.

AGGGGGGHHHH! No. Good. Ouch.

They couldn't get a good number. I remember hearing phrases like "It's hiding" or even something eluding to him possibly being posterior (alarm bells started going off in my head). This "check" felt like it was lasting an eternity. It hurt. It hurt worse than my contractions. It hurt a LOT. 

I remember the midwife saying, "Maybe she's complete" and I thought "Yes, yes, that. Please be that"

Then finally the nurse (I assume- I don't know, my eyes were closed) found what she was looking for- I believe I heard that it was off to the side. She called it at a 7, maybe an 8.

Bulging sack (ie: water hadn't broken yet)

I could handle that. 

That was a good place to be.

They asked for my birth plan, and the nurse read it over carefully. THANK YOU NURSE! 

While she was doing that, the midwife was whispering a prayer into my ear. Rico was a few feet away silently doing the same. 

This. THIS is so unbelievably powerful to a woman who is at her most vulnerable. 

Being in the hospital is not my comfort zone. This prayer was like a re-set of all those flurried feelings of getting checked in and getting to the room and putting things away, and unfamiliar lights sounds smells and people. I was back in my zone. My eyes closed again and I was ready to lean into this.

Another contraction was coming. "GET ME OFF THIS BED AND OFF MY BACK" was what I could remember thinking. I believe what I might have said was "BALL!". I got down and onto the ball awkwardly. That was the worst contraction. That one right there- crooked on the ball. 

That's when it happened. 

The Urge to Push 

(I had told the midwife at our last appointment that my last birth I hadn't felt the need to push, and that I think that is why I felt like such a failure at pushing. She assured me that we would wait for that urge this time)

I did it though. I was a total stereotype. I said, "I need to poop" (sorry folks, this is real talk)

Even as I said it I was like, "That can't be right!"

The midwife asked "Are you sure you don't need to push?"

I said no. (I said no?!)

What?! That makes no sense. Everything I know about labor- everything RICO knows about labor says- "Hey, you are ready to push", but maybe my mind wasn't ready to accept that yet. 

The parents weren't there. 

The midwife brought me to the bathroom. 

My water broke on the toilet during a contraction. 

Handy. 

I heard my friend at this point, she got to be our nurse. My eyes were closed and I wasn't really focused on much of anything except contractions- but I remember hearing her voice as she listened to the baby's heartbeat and thinking, "Oh good, she's here!"

(this picture is actually of us after the birth- but I wanted to show her off because she was so wonderful and it was so amazing that SHE, the girl who works only 2 nights a week, was the one who got to be there.)

The midwife had already set up my diffuser with my oils, she got the lights dimmed, my music was playing. She'd filled the tub with warm water. I thought she was with me every second, so she must have used her super ninja midwife skills to transform the space. Keep in mind, we had only bee in the room MAYBE 10 minutes at this point.  

 The bathroom door was shut- and apparently just outside that door it started getting CRAZY. If you've been in a hospital delivery room, you know that when it's time, nurses and staff appear as if from no where. Now ALSO imagine this situation:

add 2 midwives

add the parents (who I didn't know at the time had arrived, but were coming in)

add grandma

That's a lot of people. And it's a flurry, because at this point I had likely only been in the room a little over 10 minutes and they could hear that I was ready to push. Rico heard them calling the OB and telling him it was TIME. 

Lots of phones ringing. Lots of people shuffling. Lots of equipment being laid out. Lots of excitement as the parents arrived. Just LOTS. 

LOTS isn't great when you are laboring. But that's what is so great about having the midwife there. 

I was unaware of everything going on out in the room.

She'd shut the door.

 I was protected in my little bathroom cocoon of dark, quiet, positive reinforcement (from my midwife and Rico), and essential oils filling the air. Rico said the diffuser was even rolling through some nice colors, but my eyes were closed, so that detail was lost on me. 

Seriously, we'd been there only minutes and already she'd made the room into everything I had wanted. 

I was able to stay calm and focused because my room was calm and focused. 

She was calm and focused. 

Rico was calm and focused.

Oh, She's gooood. 

Then it happened:

The Parents Arrive!

The midwife whispered, "They're here!" and the mom came in to my quiet little bathroom cocoon. 

I had a rare moment of opening my eyes. 

I wanted to take this moment in. 

I wanted my body to SEE and FEEL and UNDERSTAND that now it was ok. NOW he could come.

She said lots of sweet and wonderfully perfect things, none of which I can remember. 

She was thankful, kind, and so excited.

She kept her voice calm and was so wonderful about maintaining that environment of joy and peace she knew was important to me. 

The next contraction I could feel him coming. This wasn't happening in a bathroom. 

Nope, nope, nope.

I know that is silly, and I know it is a perfectly good place to have a baby- but not this baby. 

Not today.   

(I don't think anyone was going to go for that, it wasn't just me thinking it)

The midwife said I could have one more contraction in the bathroom and then we would move to the room to deliver (she also said the photographer wasn't there yet, so if I could lean back and breathe through this next one it might help slow us down. Boy I tried. I mean, this photographer is like THE dream birth photographer that I've followed since we moved home)

After that contraction, up I got. Again, just like my labor with Eli, I was able to walk across the room and feel the baby so far down I'm sure that I looked like I was riding a horse as I walked. 

What a motivator though- I mean, there was NO guessing that he was coming when you can literally feel him. 

I climbed up onto the bed and leaned over the back. This was the position I had envisioned ever since taking the tour of the birth center. I'd told everyone weeks beforehand, so I'm pretty sure they all expected it. Like, literally everyone in this picture had heard me say "Hey, pretty sure I will deliver on my knees while hanging over the back of the bed"

Sure enough:

 And bonus: one of those questions people wonder, "What about modesty? Are you going to be flashing everyone?"

 Check that out. 

It was a 1 man show- and that man was the OB. 

What an unexpected gift!

Let's go over what you are seeing here. Rico is up top with me in the dark. The mom is standing next to him. I'm hanging over the bed (duh), the guy in scrubs at the end of the bed is the OB, the nurse above him is my friend (the one we texted early on ended up being the one to deliver with us!!!! Fun fact: she is not only a friend since High School, she was ALSO Rico's prom date. So, she is well loved by us) and the midwife is the one massaging my back. I mean THAT is a team. (we also had Cynthia, another midwife who was working more in a doula-esk capacity, but she wasn't in that shot). I'm pretty sure the dad was just getting something for the mom, but he got to slide in right behind his wife.

Another cool moment, right when we got ready to push, the song I SPECIFICALLY added to the play list for the mom ("The Rose", a song tied to her sorority) started playing. It's the only song I specifically remember hearing during the birth. It got quiet right then- like the room kind of paused to get ready. She said that when she heard it she lost it. I think it was just all becoming very real! She was moments away from meeting her baby!  

Baby Arrives!

(Time to get in color here- otherwise it is too hard to see him!)

So, I got onto the bed and I was MORE than ready to push. In my mind it was 2 pushes- 1 for his head, and 1 for everything else. It may have been 4…I feel like I heard that number somewhere. Either way. It was fast. It felt exactly how you think it would feel. I don't have a better way to describe it. 

It wasn't agonizing pain, in fact, it was nice to feel movement, to feel my contractions MOVING him down and out. It was rewarding to push. 

Rico said he kept thinking, "Everyone is all gathered around, don't they know it might still be a bit? They might need to calm down". His only reference point was Eli's labor, where I had pushed for about an hour (in his mind it was 3…it was not 3)

So, when his head started coming immediately, Rico was the one surprised.

Here's his head….

 Now, look closely and you can see not just him, but my favorite part of this picture: check out the hands on me. The mom and the midwife had their hands on me, praying. (I had no idea until later when they told me). What a great image to show the teamwork that brought this baby to his family.

 Ahhhhh….there he is!

And a first peek at the knot in his cord.

 Here's a better look at him! He cried immediately so everyone knew he was good! But seriously, look at that knot. It was a "true knot", something you don't see very often. 

 He went straight to mom and dad who cuddled him into quiet. He knows their voices from all the listening he had done with the belly buds throughout the pregnancy.
Before the midwives left, I asked Diedra to pray for us. She led us in a beautiful prayer over everyone and it was a perfect way to wrap up a beautiful experience.
There is one thing ABUNDANTLY clear- this baby KNEW his parents. In the next few hours (and days) he was just so calm and content being with them. He was with his people and that's all he needed!
(of note: Rico is super jealous of this. He's said multiple times: "Why couldn't Eli have been so chill and liked us right away?!"

I think the first thing I heard the mom and dad say was "He looks JUST like Dash!" Here were some of their first moments together. 

At this point, their story becomes THEIR story. I'm sure they have so many wonderful emotions and details to share, but those are theirs to share. I can only tell my part, because that's the only part I know. But man, can you just IMAGINE all those feelings? Just a flood of joy and completeness? Oooooh, I'm not sure how you would even find the words to describe that! 

Their High Point, My Low (not what you think):

While they took him out to do skin to skin and try to absorb all the cuteness that was their new baby, I was getting to experience the low of any of my births. Here's the deal: I'm a bleeder. I mean, everyone bleeds, but I BLEED. This was further complicated by the fact that some of my placenta decided it wasn't going to detach. That's not ok. You HAVE to deliver it all. (PS- glad they caught this early and worked to get it out quickly- good work everyone!)

I had to flip over and lay down. Again, I do NOT like laying down on a hospital bed. Typically, nursing a baby would encourage the placenta to detach naturally, but I was for sure not doing that, so we tried some manual stimulation.

The OB tried some less invasive ways to get it out. It involved some form of twisting to try to get the rest to detach. That wasn't cutting it, so he had to get more aggressive. Yep, that's right, they had to go IN to my uterus and get it. I try not to be all "I didn't use medication" but at this point I would like to remind the world 

"I DIDN'T HAVE MEDICATION!" because this. felt. horrible. 

Pretty sure I made worse noises here than I did during delivery. 

But it was needed. 

Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I didn't need it. 

I needed it. 

Wish I didn't, but I did. 

But it reallllllllly sucked.

Later, the midwife admitted that she wasn't sad that someone else had to do it. I would imagine that putting someone through that is NOT a highlight of anyone's job. 

When the OB came to check on me the next morning I admitted, 

"I couldn't remember if you made it to the delivery or not- but then I remembered you going in to get the rest of my placenta and I COULDN'T forget you!"

Here it is…oh, and look to the right and you can see the knot! 

Once the placenta was out, I got stitched up (level 2 for the curious) and got a shot to stop the bleeding. I also finally had to get my IV.

Now, to the credit of my favorite nurse, HAD I been there earlier and let them put an IV in me BEFORE I lost all that blood, they likely WOULDN'T have had to poke and prod and literally dig around to find a spot for my IV. 

Now, in retrospect I still wouldn't want an IV beforehand, because it freaks me out and limits my mobility and I think that would have caused a lot more issues for me than having to deal with them digging afterward. BUT, it was another not-so-great moment. 

But, again, I needed it. All the blood loss meant I needed some fluids. My body is super obvious about these things. I turn white, my lips go pale, and my ears ring. 2 bags of fluid later I was feeling much better. In fact, good enough to meet the baby! 

Meeting Baby:

It was a big deal to me that the mom would get to introduce me to the baby. I didn't want to see him until SHE got to show him to me. They'd had lots of good skin to skin time by this point and she'd gotten him all snuggled into his adorable blanket- with his NAME! It wasn't a secret any more! Baby Lawson Krue (they'll call him Krue) was the spitting image of his brother. 

He was already peacefully sleeping on his mom and they were finally TOGETHER. I just kept thinking how he was finally HOME. 

We spent the next few hours talking about how perfect this birth was. The timing, the people there, the music. Everything so clearly had God's hands ALLLLL over it. 

 And then they busted out the matching man-shirts. The dad came up with this plan at the gender reveal when he heard about the matching birth robes the mom had gotten for us. In the photographer's words: "Whew- there's a lot of print going on there!"

Meeting Big Brother:

 They didn't have a room for them yet, so I got to be there to watch Krue meet his older brother. It's yet another one of those honors I accidentally get to be a part of. 

It was ADORABLE. He kept opening up the baby's blanket like he was opening a present. Rico was sitting next to me and we were both just smiling ear to ear watching this new family in their first moments together. So. Much. Love.

Dash was so gentle and sweet with his brother. 

The birth photographer caught a lot of this, so I think if you know the family, you'll get a sneak peak into just exactly how perfect these moments were.

 And…eventaully, the dad got to hold him too. I loved watching his face each time he thought Krue was about to come to him and them boom- he'd be swooped up. He was so sweet with him and so excited to steal him away from everyone!

They were all (and I mean ALL- mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, PooBah (sp?), my mom, friends, I mean ALL) able to come be together in his first few hours and celebrate! There was crying, and LOTS of laughing. I had a cool angle from my bed, because I got to see it all. There are some perks to all the rooms being full! At one point I looked over from my bed and the grandma was doing the splits!

Then there were these moments, where I would look over from my bed and see them in their element. Another one of those little special moments I get the privilege of peeking in on. 

So, there it is: 

8 lbs and 3 oz.

20 inches

18 minutes from official hospital admittance to moment of delivery (9:46 am)

Less than an hour from actual moment we pulled into the parking lot

Almost exactly 6 hours from first contraction to moment of delivery. 

And it all ended with this, a present for me with such a great meaning: 

The mom and I have had many discussions about how there just aren't any words for how wonderful this has been.

I am so very lucky to have had this experience with this family. 

Not lucky, blessed. 

SO, so blessed.

Remember what I was praying for in all of this:
"If you skip everything else, that God is central during the entire labor/delivery. That His hand and guidance is clear and evident. That there is an overwhelming sense of this being HIS story and to HIS glory. That His sovereignty, power, grace, and goodness is FELT by everyone involved. "

And that's what we got.
That's what He gave us.

Baby on Board

So, I'm almost exactly a trimester behind in posting this, but YES- they're having a baby! Embryo transfer went so very smoothly. Basically they said you couldn't get a more textbook embryo. 

Grade AAA. 

(Who knew that was even possible?!) 

It may have been a HORRIBLE process (seriously though, that's such a huge understatement) for her to grow, but she certainly got the job done and made this beautiful embryo 

(obviously the dad helped too)

Fun facts about embryo transfer:

1- The embryo shimmered on screen. Shimmered! If you know the mom then you know this is ONLY fitting.

2- When the mom basically asked the nurse if the embryologist was just hyping up the embryo the nurse said, "That's the kind of embryo that you walk by on the counter and you have to stop, back up, and go back to say "Now THAT'S a good looking embryo!"

3- Here's their em-baby…

the inner ball turns into the baby itself, the outter ring turns into the placenta, umbilical cord, etc- you know, stuff to keep the baby alive. (as I type this this VERY em-baby is a legit baby: fingers, toes, tastebuds and all! The size of a lime…I think. Ask the mom…or the baby's big brother…they keep track of its size and development much better than I do. How amazing to have such an early first picture of their little one!)

I took the first over the counter pregnancy test on Valentines day. I sent it to the mom and dad (without peeking, hence the sideways picture that's super dark) and got a call back almost immediatly asking if there was a second line. 

"I don't know! Is there?! I'll go look!" I ran to the bathroom, sliding on the wood floor in my socks because slowing down just didn't seem like a reasonable option at this moment.

Sure enough, the tiniest faintest second line was there. 

There was lots of yelling, dancing and hugging at our house. We just SO badly wanted a happy ending for this family and this was literally our last try. 

In the mom's words "I just don't think God would bring us all this way, and through all this stuff for nothing" (she said this BEFORE the test- she said she was just so sure this time. It was just going to work, that's all there was to it!)

I took tests everyday until the official blood test…it's a fun little party trick to be able to bring so much joy by just peeing on a stick. 

Well, that and growing one of the things that is most precious to them in all the world. 

I'll try to update again, hopefully before another trimester rolls by. I want to share the scariest part of this journey, but it will be long and require all-the-feels to go back to that time because I literally thought I was losing thier baby at one point (spoiler alert: it was a kidney infection AND THE BABY WAS FINE!) Looking back, I am SO very proud, impressed, and humbled by how amazingly they took care of me (I say me, because again, the baby was safe and sound- it was just me that couldn't get it together) Seriously, they HANDLED it! They could have fallen apart, but instead they held us all together. See…all the feels. More later.

Oh shoot, and I HAVE to tell the story of them (mom, dad, AND big brother) getting to hear the heartbeat for the first time…it is literally my favorite moment from this entire process. Hands down. 

But for now, bed. 

And protein. 

In bed. 

At 10 pm. 

It's become quite the tradition in my life lately. No hearty meal is safe. 

When the Answer is "No"

It has taken me over a month to write this, for lots of reasons. First it was too fresh, then we were in "well, where do we go from here" stage and I thought I should wait, then it seemed like it was too late. I've realized, that if for no other reason than processing my feelings about this, it's not ever too late.

We went into embryo transfer day HIGH on emotions. They got a video of their (ADORABLE toddler) son telling me "Thank you Allison for growing my baby" and that "I praying for you". It was possibly the cutest video ever made. Like, ever. I was 100% positive as we waited in the waiting room. The dad was calm and collected, his usual steadfast-self. I can't tell you what the mom felt, but I can tell you that she was a lot of emotions in one little person. I KNOW there was anticipation, excitement, and nervousness flying around that room. All she wanted was to know how her embabies (a super scientific term I have learned from searching gestational carrier hashtags on instagram) were doing. We knew that they had thawed the embryos that morning and we were about to find out if they were going to implant the embryo she had been thinking about all these years, or another one. 

*Background* That morning, they thaw the frozen embryos one at a time. They thaw the highest grade embryo first (they give them a letter grade before they are frozen). If that embryo doesn't survive the thaw, they thaw the next highest grade. And so on.*

After what seemed like forever (but really it felt like SO long because we were just SO ready), they called us back. The mom and I went back, that room is tiny and there will be a nurse, the fertility doctor, and the embryologist packed in. The dad waited in the waiting room.

I was riding pretty high at this point, and then I saw the table. 

What. was. that. giant. hose? And more importantly, where did they think they were putting it?! 

The nurse laughed at my reaction (yes, I have no filter and I literally said "Where do you think THAT is going?") and told me it was just warm air to keep me comfy. Ooh la la. 

The mom joined me in the room and we chatted excitedly. There were lots of smiles and lots of chuckles as we waited to see the doctor and get this embryo put in. 

Then he came in. The mood of the room was instantly serious. He obviously had bad news. Even when you know bad news is possible, it still hurts when it becomes real. I may have felt sad and taken off guard, but the hardest part was watching the mom have to deal with the news that the embaby she'd been thinking of all these years (since she had to choose between it and her now son) didn't survive the thaw. If getting bad news is like getting hit in the stomach by a bat, this was like sitting next to someone as you slow motion watch them take that blow. 

I grabbed her hand, she cried, and I tried to process what he was telling us all while hoping to let her grieve the loss of this embryo. 

It was rough. It was just rough. 

The doctor handed her one of those disposable liners they put on the table to use as a giant tissue as he read the room to know when it was ok to tell us about the remaining two embryos.

He told us that they thawed the next embryo, but he didn't think it was a good candidate, so he thawed the last one hoping it might be better. It wasn't. Sadly, it was worse.

At this point my brain started spinning. What did this mean? What would she choose to do? What were the options? He said that at this point he would recommend putting them both in. BOTH? As in TWO? My head continued to spin spin spin.

Then, in an instant he cleared everything up. He said something like "I think you should know, they won't survive another re-freeze and thaw in this condition". That's all I needed. The spinning immediately stopped. I looked at her and told her that that was all I needed to hear (she knew what that meant). She, being much more reasonable than me, suggested that I might want to call Rico.
Oh, right. Maybe, "Hi hunny, by the way, we went ahead and doubled the number of babies I could be growing" doesn't really seem like the best way to greet someone coming home from work.
She went to the lobby to talk with her husband and I called Rico. I described what just happened, and his response was "Well honey, what do YOU want to do?" I told him that I just couldn't let those embabies not have every possible chance at life. He agreed, and I had yet another moment appreciation for how awesome he is.
She came back in and we told the doctor that we were ready for them both. As he was setting me up for the transfer (by framing my…bottom half….with sheets. Literally a picture frame of folded white sheets. I think this may have been the oddest part of the whole day) some life came back into the room.

We were hopeful again.

He did the first ultrasound to show us the "target" (the spot we would be aiming for in my uterine lining). He was impressed by the crazy amount of fluid I had in my bladder (they told me to drink lots of water beforehand, and I CERTAINLY wasn't going to mess that up) but suggested that I try to empty it a bit or I might be uncomfortable. So, I wrapped the sheet around me like a toga and ran through the hallway. I'm pretty sure a guy paying his medical bill may have seen a flash of side butt, but at this point I needed the comic relief.

They announced (very officially and clearly, so I assume somewhere there was an audio recorder) my name and had me confirm. It was on my i.d. bracelet too. There was NO way their embryos were going to end up in the wrong person. She got a picture of her embabies somewhere around here too.

This is literally them. The embryologist said that this picture was taken in the morning and even though it was only a few hours later now, they already looked different from the picture. Whoa.

 We were getting all set up and she realized, "Wait! The contract!" Oh, yes, that contract that says in about 20 different places that we are only putting in one. "Eh, I'll initial whatever I need to initial". Oh man, we were living the crazy life now! Rebels, that's what we are.

They put in a very long (very tiny, very flexible) tube with the embryos, and we watched it appear in my uterus on the sonogram screen. Wouldn't you know it, that amazing doctor hit the bulls eye! They both landed exactly on target. Good work sir. The mom was praying over her little embabies the entire time (thank goodness, because I was just so fascinated with watching him tilt my uterus- yes, physically tilt my uterus, and the entire process that I COMPLETELY forgot.)

Next, I had to lay for 15 minutes. The doctor also told me that I could do basically all normal things, but that I shouldn't do anything super intense like ride a horse or anything. I laughed…but later realized that only the night before I had been in tears (thank you hormones) about wanting to ride an elephant at the circus that weekend.

The mom sat with me for a long while, it may have been closer to 45 minutes (we literally just stayed until the embryoloist came in to lock up the lab to "keep all the embryos safe"- how cute is that?)  We mostly just said a lot of "Two?! Did we just put in TWO?" and "I can't believe this all just happened!"

She thought about how her husband would be doing with the events of the last hour. She thought about how best to tell her mom. She asked me how I was feeling. She literally thought about everyone but herself.

We left and and I gave her the "thinking sticky thoughts" basket I'd put together,

 and she gave me a prize pack of goodies. Really good goodies. Like I have worn at least one of the things she gave me every single day since she gave it to me. Every. Single. Day. We took a picture outside the office, and I called Rico. He was still trying to grasp what was going on.

*The blurred out part is their son's name…isn't it cool to think that since they harvested all the eggs at once, and made all the embryos at once, it would have been just like carrying his fraternal twin- only two years later! Whoa.*

I went home and ate pineapple core, Brazil nuts, and Pom juice every night. (It's a thing all the cool kids who are gestational carriers or are getting IVF do for transfer…google it if you must. I hold little stock in it, but I like all those things and I like doing what the cool kids do, so I participated)

Over the next week I reported any and all pregnancy symptoms to the mom…and boy did the nausea pick up. The tricky thing is, since I am taking hormones, there's no way to really know if it is the hormones I am taking or a potential pregnancy that might be making me feel that way. Each time I felt odd, I hesitated to tell her because I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. Then I realized 2 things
1- our hopes were already up, who was I kidding
2- I would want to know if I were her- even if it meant I might get my hopes up.
It was my job to give her all the information I had, not to try to protect everyone's feelings.

She bought over the counter pregnancy tests for us to take before the official blood test, just in case we might get to find out early. I'm sorry that literally NONE of these are facing the right direction, I squint when I take the pictures. I squint SO hard that I make sure I can't read the stick. That includes being able to tell which side is up. 

Then, I send that picture to the parents (all still squinting, it's pretty entertaining to watch I am sure).

Then, they text me back and tell me if I am pregnant or not. 

Waiting the 2 minutes for the test is nothing, but waiting the 30 seconds after I send them the text is VERY exciting. 

Day 1's negative wasn't so bad. None of us really expected anything.

Day 2's stung a little. Day 3 stung a little more.

Day 4 (the last day before our official blood test) wasn't great either. We all still had hope, after all, we were testing early.
*teachable moment: pregnancy tests work by looking for something called "HCG" in your urine. HCG is released by your body when you become pregnant, but it takes time for your body to start producing it, and even more time for it to be concentrated enough in your urine for an over-the-counter to find it. I feel like you all knew that, (and if you are one of my old students you BETTER have known that!), but just in case*
 TO be honest though, I had my hopes up for this 4th and final one. I even picked a "their pea, my pod" towel background for my lovely pee-stick display. Still though, it was early. I still had hope even though it was negative.

I went to my moms' group at church later that morning. We went into the worship center and we were set to sing "Holy Spirit"…yep, the song I wrote so much about before, the song that immediately focuses me on  this process. I knew, right then, that God was going to be talking to me. 

Not in a round about way. 

In a very clear and obvious way. 

I remember holding my breath for a second and thinking, "Alright, tell me what I need to hear" and feeling like I was on a roller coaster in the dark- having NO idea if what He was about to tell me would make me exceedingly happy or sad and disapointed. 

Then the speaker began to speak. 

She was a woman who had always believed. 

She didn't have a dramatic testimony, she just believed. 

She hadn't faced much adversity in her life, and in general, what she planned of life came to be.

 She would ask God for something, and almost all the time He said "yes". 

(umm…is this lady me?)

Until she got a "no"

The hardest "no" she will (hopefully) ever get 

*her infant daughter was diagnosed with a disease and passed away within less than a month of diagnosis.*

I felt like God was preparing me for my own "no"

I bawled. For the first time in this whole process (even since then) I just cried. 

Thankfully, I wasn't the only woman ugly crying, I just wasn't doing it for the same reasons everyone else was.

He was lovingly preparing the perfect way, literally tailored to my personality and my needs, to say "Sorry honey, It's a no this time" 

The speaker continued on to talk about praising God for His ultimate wisdom, and the blessings He gives us. 

I mean, God literally brought me to His house to tell me, cushioned the "no" as gently as possible, and then followed it up with a practical and tangible map for how to escape getting lost in the sorrow. 

I had tangible and meaningful reminders of how to keep Him first and praise Him through the storm

Even when He says "no".

Even when you don't see ANY reason He wouldn't say "yes".

Even when we don't FEEL like it. 

It was like those moments where you feel the sermon is directly written for you, but to a degree I have literally never even come close to feeling before.

Something she said that stuck with me was something like, 

"We want to make a nice neat orderly box out of God and His wisdom for our lives, but really, we wouldn't want to serve a God whose wisdom could fit nicely and neatly into what WE can understand."

They asked for prayer requests at the end, and I asked for prayers "that the mom feel held, no matter what the results are". Months of prayers, months of anticipation, paragraph after paragraph of specific prayer requests from you all and THAT is what came out of my mouth. 

(flashing forward, I don't think I told the mom what I specifically asked for, but wouldn't you know that THIS is what she posted after our negative blood tests: 

Goodness. 

Officially, we still didn't know if I was pregnant or not. I took my blood test the next day, but after feeling ALL the feels at church, I told Rico that I changed my mind and I wanted him there with me.

I wasn't sure how I would handle it (thinking they would tell me then and there) and we both wanted to ask some questions about what options there might be if it was negative.

We knew they were out of embryos, but we also knew that we wanted them to be able to have this baby. So, we asked about the dates of the upcoming "cycles" (they do clusters of women at a time, in about 3 month "cycles") so we could figure out if there were any way we could be available to them and still be able to have our second child.

We literally sat with a calendar on a bench in the hallway and did the math. 

"Cycle starts xyz month, embryo transfer would be xyz month, add 9 months for carrying their baby, add 6 months to recuperate and be safe to try for our own, then add 9 more months to be pregnant with our kid" 

We wanted to have all our ducks in a row so we could give them the clearest picture of what we had to offer them. We wanted to be 100% sure before we ever even gave them the option of being available to try again. 

The mom called me later that day. Her voice was shaky and tear filled, and I knew it was a no. 

I didn't cry.

People kept asking how I felt and all I could do to describe it was say, "I already did my grieving at church" 

and it was true. 

I was SO sad for the parents, THAT part was still hard, but I was ok. 

The parents had a busy day, a blessing when you want anything but time for your mind to think. 

I couldn't tell you much else about their grief, it would all be speculation. I tried to give them space to deal with it. 

It killed me, and it felt VERY weird to not be texting back and forth with her like we had been nearly every night before, but I wanted them to be able to process at their own pace. 

Rico kept asking, "Have you heard from them? Do you think you should call?" and I just kept telling him that I wanted to give them space. 

Why all the space? 

It's more than just mourning the loss of the three embabies, it was also very logical and practical. In telling them how many more cycles we could possibly squeeze in, we were also presenting them with a VERY hard decision. The decision of whether or not to do IVF all over.

A decision that was NEVER in the plans.

The hard decisions are never ending here. 

Let me give you just a peek into why it's so hard-

Spiritually, is this what God wants? Remember, we don't want to try to bust through any doors He has closed.

Ethically, just how many embryos would they want to harvest? Too many and they have the moral issue of these little embabies just sitting in wait, but you're also talking about two people who just lost 3 embryos in one cycle, so I can imagine they would also have a new fear of creating too few. 

Financially, I don't know exact amounts, but from what I do know, the process of IVF is more than some people make in a year. That's big. That's big especially when you consider that they've already done it once before. It's even bigger when you see all the bills for what we JUST went through. 

Emotionally, they just lost 3 embryos and experienced the full range of super high highs and excited anticipation coupled with the lowest lows. That emotional roller coaster is a lot to take on.

Physically, so the hormones she would have to take make the hormones I take look like a day at the park. They don't play. She knows what they can do to her body first hand- and it isn't fun.

Timing-Wise, while it is true that there is never a perfect time for a baby, the timing of the next cycle was about as bad as you could get if you looked at the things they are juggling in life.

The mommy-factor, IVF requires them to basically move here for almost a week. They live over 5 hours away. Every appointment (of which there are many) would also require these 5 hour drives. That's a lot of time away from her little man. She put it to me this way (I'm totally paraphrasing), "I know that if he were older I could explain to him that being gone was temporary and that the short term lack of mommy-time resulted in a lifetime of sibling time, so he would know it was worth it. But…right now it's just hard to help a toddler understand all that"

Duty and Responsibility- As entrepreneurs, their livelihood is on their shoulders. So is the livelihood of other people. They have responsibilities that have to be met. There's no way around it- certain things have to get done at certain times. Throwing in IVF to the mix has got to feel like looking at a man juggling fine china and throwing and angry cat at him…at least that is how I picture it. 

So you see, this isn't an easy decision. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am SO glad I don't have to make this choice for them. 

Seriously, so, so glad. 

I'm pretty good at listening to God after the fact…with how to get through something. What I am NOT good at is making decisions, even when (maybe especially when) I am trying to make sure it is HIS will and not MINE. 

On one of our last phone calls she said something like, "If you would have told be when we started talking (last April) that we would be doing another round of IVF I wouldn't have believed you in a million years. It wasn't even an option. And now, here we are"

Yes, here we are. 

Tonight,  I took my first hormone shot. 

Here. We. Are.

We've Got a Date!

Went in for another sonogram. It also included surprise blood work ("surprise" might be a strong word, I get that most people don't feel the need to mentally prepare for days before a routine blood draw, so it isn't notable enough to bring up ahead of time) 

Good news: The blood work was easy!

Better news: My sonogram showed 9.1 (I'll explain later)

BEST news: I got to call the mom and tell her that after all this time we've been talking and testing- SHE HAS A DATE FOR EMBRYO TRANSFER! I guess "we", but all I can think of is them. Now it is really starting to feel like the beginning of something. A temporary something for me, and a VERY big VERY exciting something for them. 

There were happy tears.

(Don't stereotype! Just because I'm on hormones you assumed it was me! It wasn't me…this time)

Now back to that 9.1  

The ultrasound was to check the thickness of my uterine lining. It's got to be nice and thick so the embryo has somewhere to land, attach, and nourish itself until it gets a yolk sak. This is also why I stopped drinking when I started taking the blue hormone pills. No one said to stop, but I just like the idea of having the most premium lining available. I did the same thing when we were trying with Eli.   The lining needed to be at least a 7, and wouldn't you know those little blue pills really WERE doing something, because it was a 9.1! Go uterus go! 

When I took this picture I didn't realize that one little kneecap would make this picture so terribly awkward. I think I've just had enough of these that it seems mundane. Fun fact (learned by snooping at the sonogram screen), my left ovary not only likes to hide…it is notably smaller than the right (based on measurements, not just me eyeballing it). Don't be TOO jealous that you don't know how your ovaries measure up. 

So, we set the date for transfer and I got my instructions for the next hormone (what day to start, when to take it, and how to use it…BEACAUSE IT ISN'T A SHOT!!!) We also got a date for the official pregnancy test. I am just SO hopeful they get a positive test! 

All good news. 

Now the plan is to keep taking the hormones, add the big hormone this weekend, and wait to hear back about the TIME for transfer. Yes, we have the date, but they schedule all the women who have egg RETRIEVALS in the morning (not us- she already went through all that work and their embryos shipped from their long term frozen home to here…as in they were in the same building as me. cool.), so we won't know a time until all those ladies are scheduled (good luck ladies!)    

Embryo transfer: what to expect when you're expecting to expect 

1) I go in with the mom. She'll have selected the embryo and hopefully it survives the "thaw" from its frozen state. If not, they have to try "the embryo with the next highest potential". It all sounds very clinical, but put yourself in this couples' shoes. These are their embryos. Each one is the hope and dream of a little baby. "Not surviving the thaw" and having to "move on to the next most viable option"  is a loss. I understand that we all see life as beginning somewhere different, but for me, these are little (albeit teeny tiny)  foundations for babies. They may not have heartbeats, brains, or skeletal systems (or any body systems for that matter), but they have already been thought of, loved, and prayed for. I don't think that any of us take this part of it lightly.  

2)  I get a uterine catheter (sounds WAAAAY worse than it is, seriously, the last one was easier than a pap) and they put the embryo in (yes, just one). I believe I heard somewhere that I need to hang out for like half an hour afterward. *remember, the embryo is the dad's sperm and the mom's egg already united. That part of the job is already done. 

3) Then, just like every other hopeful and nervous couple trying to have a kid…THEY WAIT. Waiting for a pregnancy test is SUCH a rush. Hopeful waiting, but it also borders on torturous. My goal is for them to find out first. It may take some tricky tricky maneuvering- but I'm up for a challenge!

Thanks for all the prayers by the way. 

Many people have told me about all the different people praying for us. I won't lie, I used to dislike it when people said they would pray for me. I still haven't quite figured out why yet, but the point is- NOW I'm all over it. I told one friend that my new attitude is "Say a prayer and tell a friend!" 

I am SO thankful for not only the people around us all doing the praying, but also for the parents who knew that was such an important part of this process that it helped them to decide when to make it public knowledge. I can't imagine going through the uncertainty of embryo transfer without being able to reach out to the people we love the most and to know that they are reaching out to the One who loves us the most. Ooooh…that was inadvertently deep. 

Hormone #1 Update

This must be the gentle no big deal hormone…because I'm feeling pretty darn good! I actually feel better than when I was on the birth control! The only side effect I've noticed is that my dizzy spells have substantially increased (not EVERY time I stand up, but more than not)

I feel better within seconds- so no big deal AT ALL. 

I COULD be more tired, but it's hard to tell as I am pretty much always tired. I've always been able to nap anytime, anywhere. I used to take naps in my car outside of school my first year of teaching. Plus, after rocking him in a dim room with white noise for 15 minutes, I feel like anyone would want to take a nap. Eli's been sleeping in later (getting up closer to 6:45 rather than 6…those 45 minutes are HUGE), so he's really helping me out. 

Mood-wise, I FEEL the same. I asked Rico for his honest opinion, and he said he feels like I haven't acted differently. 

So far, SO GOOD! 

Sonogram Tuesday to check if the hormone has done its job and my lining is ready for their tiny human. If it is, we get to SCHEDULE THE EMBRYO  TRANSFER!!!!!!!!! Probably for the next week. 

Yes, yes, yes, yes yes!

Hormones Begin...

Tomorrow I feel like things get real. Sure, I've had ultrasounds, blood tests, meetings with therapists, and signed a contract...but none of those things CHANGED me. 

I think that's what makes tomorrow feel big, even though when I told my husband, "I start my first hormone tomorrow" his reaction was a bland, "ok"

TECHNICALLY I suppose I was "taking hormones" before now, but it was just your run of the mill birth control (which I thought for sure I would never see again back when I quit a few years ago)
 Those don't feel real though. 

I'd been there. 

I'd done that. 

The hormones I start tomorrow (a little blue pill twice a day) symbolize the REAL unknown, the REAL "you're prepping your body for their baby". 

I won't lie and say I'm not nervous. 

Nervous that I'll be a train wreck emotionally. 

Nervous that I'll be worn down and unable to be the mom to Eli I want to be. 

Nervous that it won't work and all the guilt (wait, I'm supposed to re-frame that to be "disappointment") I would feel. 

So, all these things are popping up from my subconscious (I don't spend a lot, if any, time consciously worrying about it) on my drive home from a meal-prep workshop. *maybe because that is the first chunk of time I've had truly ALONE to let my mind wander

I decided I should probably pray about it, especially given this perfect 25 minute commute opportunity. 

Fully intending to be the talker, not the listener, I skipped my iTunes past the current song (it was that song from RENT about all those minutes- great song, but not really the feel I was going for) to get background music. 

Sure enough, I got JUST the song I needed. It's one of those songs that you know, and you sing, but you've never really HEARD it. 

I love those moments where you just know you are meant to be right where you are doing right what you are doing and hearing exactly what you are hearing. 

I decided if God was going to do the talking, I was going to shut up and listen. 

He delivered. 

You should listen. But listen thinking of those specific worries I had on my mind. Whoa. 

Kutless, Carry Me to The Cross.

Music does it for me. This isn't the first time in this process He's given me a song (in fact, he may just be making my birthing playlist!) The first song He gave me will ALWAYS remind me of this family and this process. I heard it in concert once and remember thinking, "I feel nothing right now. I feel like this should be moving and touching and impactful (*not a word)- but I feel literally nothing." I wasn't even sure I LIKED the song. 

Then this gestational carrier process happened. I heard it on the radio one morning and cried by the end of the first refrain. 

When I hear it, I imagine the birth of the baby. It's dim. It's quiet. I'm needing reassurance and a second wind of energy (if you're a birthie, think transition) and the parents are there wanting to make it not hurt, but feeling helpless: so they pray.

Some birth strategies encourage you to pick a mantra- Something to set the tone, motivate you, and keep you focused on what you really think is important- that refrain is my mantra. I realized I don't just want it to be my mantra for the delivery, but for the entire process. The good AND the bad. The celebrations AND the disappointments.
*yes, this sounds crazy. I wrote off a "mantra" the second someone suggested it, but then Rico accidentally started repeating "Stay low, stay calm" throughout Eli's labor and it really did help.*

It really is a simple song, but it IMMEDIATELY resonated with me even though only months before it meant nothing. 

THEN we sang it at church the next day (love our worship band, but incorporating NEW music isn't something they do) and I cried again! I obviously HAD to tell the mom, and when she listened to it, she saw a rainbow... And also cried. All these tears!
*Right now you either think we are all nutcases or you totally get it.*

Since then, klove has played it almost every single time I've gotten in the car (which isn't shocking, as klove can tend to go overboard- but this time I don't mind). Even when I drive 3 minutes to the grocery store I will inevitably hear it.  

But back to hormone-eve. After the Kutless song, I said "thanks!" out loud, and by the time the introductory notes for the next song came on I was laughing. He did it again. 

I have a song that got me through the stress of teaching. I would play it every morning in my car before going in to work.
Every morning.
Even if I was running behind.
 Sometimes I listened to it on loop.
 I once listened to it 10 times in a row. 

THAT was the next song. 

I had just heard it the day before, while working out and had to skip it (listen to it, you'll see it's the EXACT opposite of what you shod listen to while trying to motivate yourself to run just one more lap). I was disappointed because with all the music on my iTunes, it is very rare that it just pops up when I play my entire play list on shuffle, so I didn't know the next time I would get to hear it. (The next day apparently. )

There was nothing left to do but let out a chuckle and enjoy. 

"Slow me down" by the Robbie Saeys Band. (If you have control issues or a perfectionist personality or are just feeling overwhelmed- you should probably listen to this song)

So now, waiting for bed (I think my tea must have been caffeinated) I'm thankful for these reminders. For the songs that tell me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Thankful that (besides Erik) the first person I wanted to run home and tell was the mom, because I knew she would think it was as cool as I did. That Kutless song ALSO reminded me that I get to be thankful for all the support I have around me. I don't have to be worried about how this might bring me down, because I've got family 3 minutes away in any direction. Plus, this baby's mom had to go through the hormone game last go-around so once again, "I'm not alone". Even the baby's Grandma has been an encouraging word at just the right time. We've got people all over the state praying for us- people I don't know, and people the parents have never met.
* I get that the line is intended to be about God, but in this instance it can ALSO be about the amazing people He's surrounded me with for when times get hard.

REALLY amazing people. 

Telling the (Facebook) World: Prayers Please

Oh man, she told the world! We've both talked about how it's hard not to talk about it to everyone we meet, and now we can! My heart skipped a little beat when she told me she was doing it (posting it on Facebook) and skipped about 3 more beats when I got a sneak peak into all the love and support this family has around them.

Somehow having other people (besides family) know is FINALLY making it seem a bit more real! About a million and one people said they'd be praying, which is exactly what we'll need through this whole process. 

One of the (many) lessons I have learned from Katy's cancer treatment process was this: telling people HOW they can pray is so helpful. It was nice to be able to pray for more than just the same old "please make her better" (not that He doesn't "get" that message too, but apparently when you are type A, it extends into your prayer life too)

We'll be asking for lots of prayers as we get closer and closer to the big day (the embryo transfer), but for now: a prayer for the hormones to do their thing (building up a rich plush little lining for their baby to nuzzle into and then convincing my body that that was a totally normal thing to happen and that these pregnancy hormones are totally acceptable even though I'm not ovulating). Basically, hoping my body will just go with the flow. All this WITHOUT me turning into a zombie or raging beast would be great. Yes, please use the words "zombie" and some form of "raging beast" in your prayer, I feel like He'll appreciate the novelty. 

Prayers for the mom and dad would be great too, that they would feel a peace about this process. Not just with using a gestational carrier- they've been there and done that- but with the feelings of helplessness that can come with this process. Knowing that statistics aren't great could make anyone feel defeated, especially when they've gone through so much just to get us to this point. (but really, SO much. She's ON IT. An A+, with extra credit…which makes my job SO much easier) Please pray for them to feel "held" throughout this entire journey. When you want something so very badly, it is hard to not get ahead of yourself with excitement and remember that when we say we are submitting this to God, that ALSO means we have to be prepared that His path may not be the one we have all happily imagined these past months. I would imagine they might feel polarized, sometimes trying to not get ahead of themselves or get their hopes up and other times trying not to get drug down by "what ifs". 

For us and our family: I don't know if I've mentioned it in the last 10 minutes, but I love my husband and son to an almost creepy level. That being said, this process is going to make parts of life with me a little harder. First the hormonal part, then (hopefully) the physical pregnancy part, and in general the sticky inbetween stuff. Our families could use some prayers to. For most of my family, this wasn't shocking. I'd mentioned wanting to do it since before Rico and I even got married, but that doesn't mean it is easy to fully understand or cope with the concerns they have. Because saying you trust God and actually having to LIVE that when someone you love says, "hey, I'm going to pump my body full of hormones, possibly be a total crazy person for a few months, take on the risks of pregnancy and birth- oh and by the way it's all for someone else." is a challenge. Please pray that they see God's hand guiding this process and are able to trust that He's got this...we don't know what that LOOKS like yet...but He's got it. 

Finally, please pray for me to have discernment in my words and thoughts. That I will be able to think through what I say and do from not just MY perspective, but THEIRS before I act or speak. That I can discern between priorities and juggle my new role as gestational carrier with being a mother and wife WITHOUT shortchanging anyone (including myself) or feeling overwhelmed. 

So:

1- That hormones work well- with minimal side effects (bonus points for "zombie" or "raging beast") 

2- Peace for mom and dad

3- Peace for my family

4- Discernment for me