When the Answer is "No"

It has taken me over a month to write this, for lots of reasons. First it was too fresh, then we were in "well, where do we go from here" stage and I thought I should wait, then it seemed like it was too late. I've realized, that if for no other reason than processing my feelings about this, it's not ever too late.

We went into embryo transfer day HIGH on emotions. They got a video of their (ADORABLE toddler) son telling me "Thank you Allison for growing my baby" and that "I praying for you". It was possibly the cutest video ever made. Like, ever. I was 100% positive as we waited in the waiting room. The dad was calm and collected, his usual steadfast-self. I can't tell you what the mom felt, but I can tell you that she was a lot of emotions in one little person. I KNOW there was anticipation, excitement, and nervousness flying around that room. All she wanted was to know how her embabies (a super scientific term I have learned from searching gestational carrier hashtags on instagram) were doing. We knew that they had thawed the embryos that morning and we were about to find out if they were going to implant the embryo she had been thinking about all these years, or another one. 

*Background* That morning, they thaw the frozen embryos one at a time. They thaw the highest grade embryo first (they give them a letter grade before they are frozen). If that embryo doesn't survive the thaw, they thaw the next highest grade. And so on.*

After what seemed like forever (but really it felt like SO long because we were just SO ready), they called us back. The mom and I went back, that room is tiny and there will be a nurse, the fertility doctor, and the embryologist packed in. The dad waited in the waiting room.

I was riding pretty high at this point, and then I saw the table. 

What. was. that. giant. hose? And more importantly, where did they think they were putting it?! 

The nurse laughed at my reaction (yes, I have no filter and I literally said "Where do you think THAT is going?") and told me it was just warm air to keep me comfy. Ooh la la. 

The mom joined me in the room and we chatted excitedly. There were lots of smiles and lots of chuckles as we waited to see the doctor and get this embryo put in. 

Then he came in. The mood of the room was instantly serious. He obviously had bad news. Even when you know bad news is possible, it still hurts when it becomes real. I may have felt sad and taken off guard, but the hardest part was watching the mom have to deal with the news that the embaby she'd been thinking of all these years (since she had to choose between it and her now son) didn't survive the thaw. If getting bad news is like getting hit in the stomach by a bat, this was like sitting next to someone as you slow motion watch them take that blow. 

I grabbed her hand, she cried, and I tried to process what he was telling us all while hoping to let her grieve the loss of this embryo. 

It was rough. It was just rough. 

The doctor handed her one of those disposable liners they put on the table to use as a giant tissue as he read the room to know when it was ok to tell us about the remaining two embryos.

He told us that they thawed the next embryo, but he didn't think it was a good candidate, so he thawed the last one hoping it might be better. It wasn't. Sadly, it was worse.

At this point my brain started spinning. What did this mean? What would she choose to do? What were the options? He said that at this point he would recommend putting them both in. BOTH? As in TWO? My head continued to spin spin spin.

Then, in an instant he cleared everything up. He said something like "I think you should know, they won't survive another re-freeze and thaw in this condition". That's all I needed. The spinning immediately stopped. I looked at her and told her that that was all I needed to hear (she knew what that meant). She, being much more reasonable than me, suggested that I might want to call Rico.
Oh, right. Maybe, "Hi hunny, by the way, we went ahead and doubled the number of babies I could be growing" doesn't really seem like the best way to greet someone coming home from work.
She went to the lobby to talk with her husband and I called Rico. I described what just happened, and his response was "Well honey, what do YOU want to do?" I told him that I just couldn't let those embabies not have every possible chance at life. He agreed, and I had yet another moment appreciation for how awesome he is.
She came back in and we told the doctor that we were ready for them both. As he was setting me up for the transfer (by framing my…bottom half….with sheets. Literally a picture frame of folded white sheets. I think this may have been the oddest part of the whole day) some life came back into the room.

We were hopeful again.

He did the first ultrasound to show us the "target" (the spot we would be aiming for in my uterine lining). He was impressed by the crazy amount of fluid I had in my bladder (they told me to drink lots of water beforehand, and I CERTAINLY wasn't going to mess that up) but suggested that I try to empty it a bit or I might be uncomfortable. So, I wrapped the sheet around me like a toga and ran through the hallway. I'm pretty sure a guy paying his medical bill may have seen a flash of side butt, but at this point I needed the comic relief.

They announced (very officially and clearly, so I assume somewhere there was an audio recorder) my name and had me confirm. It was on my i.d. bracelet too. There was NO way their embryos were going to end up in the wrong person. She got a picture of her embabies somewhere around here too.

This is literally them. The embryologist said that this picture was taken in the morning and even though it was only a few hours later now, they already looked different from the picture. Whoa.

 We were getting all set up and she realized, "Wait! The contract!" Oh, yes, that contract that says in about 20 different places that we are only putting in one. "Eh, I'll initial whatever I need to initial". Oh man, we were living the crazy life now! Rebels, that's what we are.

They put in a very long (very tiny, very flexible) tube with the embryos, and we watched it appear in my uterus on the sonogram screen. Wouldn't you know it, that amazing doctor hit the bulls eye! They both landed exactly on target. Good work sir. The mom was praying over her little embabies the entire time (thank goodness, because I was just so fascinated with watching him tilt my uterus- yes, physically tilt my uterus, and the entire process that I COMPLETELY forgot.)

Next, I had to lay for 15 minutes. The doctor also told me that I could do basically all normal things, but that I shouldn't do anything super intense like ride a horse or anything. I laughed…but later realized that only the night before I had been in tears (thank you hormones) about wanting to ride an elephant at the circus that weekend.

The mom sat with me for a long while, it may have been closer to 45 minutes (we literally just stayed until the embryoloist came in to lock up the lab to "keep all the embryos safe"- how cute is that?)  We mostly just said a lot of "Two?! Did we just put in TWO?" and "I can't believe this all just happened!"

She thought about how her husband would be doing with the events of the last hour. She thought about how best to tell her mom. She asked me how I was feeling. She literally thought about everyone but herself.

We left and and I gave her the "thinking sticky thoughts" basket I'd put together,

 and she gave me a prize pack of goodies. Really good goodies. Like I have worn at least one of the things she gave me every single day since she gave it to me. Every. Single. Day. We took a picture outside the office, and I called Rico. He was still trying to grasp what was going on.

*The blurred out part is their son's name…isn't it cool to think that since they harvested all the eggs at once, and made all the embryos at once, it would have been just like carrying his fraternal twin- only two years later! Whoa.*

I went home and ate pineapple core, Brazil nuts, and Pom juice every night. (It's a thing all the cool kids who are gestational carriers or are getting IVF do for transfer…google it if you must. I hold little stock in it, but I like all those things and I like doing what the cool kids do, so I participated)

Over the next week I reported any and all pregnancy symptoms to the mom…and boy did the nausea pick up. The tricky thing is, since I am taking hormones, there's no way to really know if it is the hormones I am taking or a potential pregnancy that might be making me feel that way. Each time I felt odd, I hesitated to tell her because I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. Then I realized 2 things
1- our hopes were already up, who was I kidding
2- I would want to know if I were her- even if it meant I might get my hopes up.
It was my job to give her all the information I had, not to try to protect everyone's feelings.

She bought over the counter pregnancy tests for us to take before the official blood test, just in case we might get to find out early. I'm sorry that literally NONE of these are facing the right direction, I squint when I take the pictures. I squint SO hard that I make sure I can't read the stick. That includes being able to tell which side is up. 

Then, I send that picture to the parents (all still squinting, it's pretty entertaining to watch I am sure).

Then, they text me back and tell me if I am pregnant or not. 

Waiting the 2 minutes for the test is nothing, but waiting the 30 seconds after I send them the text is VERY exciting. 

Day 1's negative wasn't so bad. None of us really expected anything.

Day 2's stung a little. Day 3 stung a little more.

Day 4 (the last day before our official blood test) wasn't great either. We all still had hope, after all, we were testing early.
*teachable moment: pregnancy tests work by looking for something called "HCG" in your urine. HCG is released by your body when you become pregnant, but it takes time for your body to start producing it, and even more time for it to be concentrated enough in your urine for an over-the-counter to find it. I feel like you all knew that, (and if you are one of my old students you BETTER have known that!), but just in case*
 TO be honest though, I had my hopes up for this 4th and final one. I even picked a "their pea, my pod" towel background for my lovely pee-stick display. Still though, it was early. I still had hope even though it was negative.

I went to my moms' group at church later that morning. We went into the worship center and we were set to sing "Holy Spirit"…yep, the song I wrote so much about before, the song that immediately focuses me on  this process. I knew, right then, that God was going to be talking to me. 

Not in a round about way. 

In a very clear and obvious way. 

I remember holding my breath for a second and thinking, "Alright, tell me what I need to hear" and feeling like I was on a roller coaster in the dark- having NO idea if what He was about to tell me would make me exceedingly happy or sad and disapointed. 

Then the speaker began to speak. 

She was a woman who had always believed. 

She didn't have a dramatic testimony, she just believed. 

She hadn't faced much adversity in her life, and in general, what she planned of life came to be.

 She would ask God for something, and almost all the time He said "yes". 

(umm…is this lady me?)

Until she got a "no"

The hardest "no" she will (hopefully) ever get 

*her infant daughter was diagnosed with a disease and passed away within less than a month of diagnosis.*

I felt like God was preparing me for my own "no"

I bawled. For the first time in this whole process (even since then) I just cried. 

Thankfully, I wasn't the only woman ugly crying, I just wasn't doing it for the same reasons everyone else was.

He was lovingly preparing the perfect way, literally tailored to my personality and my needs, to say "Sorry honey, It's a no this time" 

The speaker continued on to talk about praising God for His ultimate wisdom, and the blessings He gives us. 

I mean, God literally brought me to His house to tell me, cushioned the "no" as gently as possible, and then followed it up with a practical and tangible map for how to escape getting lost in the sorrow. 

I had tangible and meaningful reminders of how to keep Him first and praise Him through the storm

Even when He says "no".

Even when you don't see ANY reason He wouldn't say "yes".

Even when we don't FEEL like it. 

It was like those moments where you feel the sermon is directly written for you, but to a degree I have literally never even come close to feeling before.

Something she said that stuck with me was something like, 

"We want to make a nice neat orderly box out of God and His wisdom for our lives, but really, we wouldn't want to serve a God whose wisdom could fit nicely and neatly into what WE can understand."

They asked for prayer requests at the end, and I asked for prayers "that the mom feel held, no matter what the results are". Months of prayers, months of anticipation, paragraph after paragraph of specific prayer requests from you all and THAT is what came out of my mouth. 

(flashing forward, I don't think I told the mom what I specifically asked for, but wouldn't you know that THIS is what she posted after our negative blood tests: 

Goodness. 

Officially, we still didn't know if I was pregnant or not. I took my blood test the next day, but after feeling ALL the feels at church, I told Rico that I changed my mind and I wanted him there with me.

I wasn't sure how I would handle it (thinking they would tell me then and there) and we both wanted to ask some questions about what options there might be if it was negative.

We knew they were out of embryos, but we also knew that we wanted them to be able to have this baby. So, we asked about the dates of the upcoming "cycles" (they do clusters of women at a time, in about 3 month "cycles") so we could figure out if there were any way we could be available to them and still be able to have our second child.

We literally sat with a calendar on a bench in the hallway and did the math. 

"Cycle starts xyz month, embryo transfer would be xyz month, add 9 months for carrying their baby, add 6 months to recuperate and be safe to try for our own, then add 9 more months to be pregnant with our kid" 

We wanted to have all our ducks in a row so we could give them the clearest picture of what we had to offer them. We wanted to be 100% sure before we ever even gave them the option of being available to try again. 

The mom called me later that day. Her voice was shaky and tear filled, and I knew it was a no. 

I didn't cry.

People kept asking how I felt and all I could do to describe it was say, "I already did my grieving at church" 

and it was true. 

I was SO sad for the parents, THAT part was still hard, but I was ok. 

The parents had a busy day, a blessing when you want anything but time for your mind to think. 

I couldn't tell you much else about their grief, it would all be speculation. I tried to give them space to deal with it. 

It killed me, and it felt VERY weird to not be texting back and forth with her like we had been nearly every night before, but I wanted them to be able to process at their own pace. 

Rico kept asking, "Have you heard from them? Do you think you should call?" and I just kept telling him that I wanted to give them space. 

Why all the space? 

It's more than just mourning the loss of the three embabies, it was also very logical and practical. In telling them how many more cycles we could possibly squeeze in, we were also presenting them with a VERY hard decision. The decision of whether or not to do IVF all over.

A decision that was NEVER in the plans.

The hard decisions are never ending here. 

Let me give you just a peek into why it's so hard-

Spiritually, is this what God wants? Remember, we don't want to try to bust through any doors He has closed.

Ethically, just how many embryos would they want to harvest? Too many and they have the moral issue of these little embabies just sitting in wait, but you're also talking about two people who just lost 3 embryos in one cycle, so I can imagine they would also have a new fear of creating too few. 

Financially, I don't know exact amounts, but from what I do know, the process of IVF is more than some people make in a year. That's big. That's big especially when you consider that they've already done it once before. It's even bigger when you see all the bills for what we JUST went through. 

Emotionally, they just lost 3 embryos and experienced the full range of super high highs and excited anticipation coupled with the lowest lows. That emotional roller coaster is a lot to take on.

Physically, so the hormones she would have to take make the hormones I take look like a day at the park. They don't play. She knows what they can do to her body first hand- and it isn't fun.

Timing-Wise, while it is true that there is never a perfect time for a baby, the timing of the next cycle was about as bad as you could get if you looked at the things they are juggling in life.

The mommy-factor, IVF requires them to basically move here for almost a week. They live over 5 hours away. Every appointment (of which there are many) would also require these 5 hour drives. That's a lot of time away from her little man. She put it to me this way (I'm totally paraphrasing), "I know that if he were older I could explain to him that being gone was temporary and that the short term lack of mommy-time resulted in a lifetime of sibling time, so he would know it was worth it. But…right now it's just hard to help a toddler understand all that"

Duty and Responsibility- As entrepreneurs, their livelihood is on their shoulders. So is the livelihood of other people. They have responsibilities that have to be met. There's no way around it- certain things have to get done at certain times. Throwing in IVF to the mix has got to feel like looking at a man juggling fine china and throwing and angry cat at him…at least that is how I picture it. 

So you see, this isn't an easy decision. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am SO glad I don't have to make this choice for them. 

Seriously, so, so glad. 

I'm pretty good at listening to God after the fact…with how to get through something. What I am NOT good at is making decisions, even when (maybe especially when) I am trying to make sure it is HIS will and not MINE. 

On one of our last phone calls she said something like, "If you would have told be when we started talking (last April) that we would be doing another round of IVF I wouldn't have believed you in a million years. It wasn't even an option. And now, here we are"

Yes, here we are. 

Tonight,  I took my first hormone shot. 

Here. We. Are.

We've Got a Date!

Went in for another sonogram. It also included surprise blood work ("surprise" might be a strong word, I get that most people don't feel the need to mentally prepare for days before a routine blood draw, so it isn't notable enough to bring up ahead of time) 

Good news: The blood work was easy!

Better news: My sonogram showed 9.1 (I'll explain later)

BEST news: I got to call the mom and tell her that after all this time we've been talking and testing- SHE HAS A DATE FOR EMBRYO TRANSFER! I guess "we", but all I can think of is them. Now it is really starting to feel like the beginning of something. A temporary something for me, and a VERY big VERY exciting something for them. 

There were happy tears.

(Don't stereotype! Just because I'm on hormones you assumed it was me! It wasn't me…this time)

Now back to that 9.1  

The ultrasound was to check the thickness of my uterine lining. It's got to be nice and thick so the embryo has somewhere to land, attach, and nourish itself until it gets a yolk sak. This is also why I stopped drinking when I started taking the blue hormone pills. No one said to stop, but I just like the idea of having the most premium lining available. I did the same thing when we were trying with Eli.   The lining needed to be at least a 7, and wouldn't you know those little blue pills really WERE doing something, because it was a 9.1! Go uterus go! 

When I took this picture I didn't realize that one little kneecap would make this picture so terribly awkward. I think I've just had enough of these that it seems mundane. Fun fact (learned by snooping at the sonogram screen), my left ovary not only likes to hide…it is notably smaller than the right (based on measurements, not just me eyeballing it). Don't be TOO jealous that you don't know how your ovaries measure up. 

So, we set the date for transfer and I got my instructions for the next hormone (what day to start, when to take it, and how to use it…BEACAUSE IT ISN'T A SHOT!!!) We also got a date for the official pregnancy test. I am just SO hopeful they get a positive test! 

All good news. 

Now the plan is to keep taking the hormones, add the big hormone this weekend, and wait to hear back about the TIME for transfer. Yes, we have the date, but they schedule all the women who have egg RETRIEVALS in the morning (not us- she already went through all that work and their embryos shipped from their long term frozen home to here…as in they were in the same building as me. cool.), so we won't know a time until all those ladies are scheduled (good luck ladies!)    

Embryo transfer: what to expect when you're expecting to expect 

1) I go in with the mom. She'll have selected the embryo and hopefully it survives the "thaw" from its frozen state. If not, they have to try "the embryo with the next highest potential". It all sounds very clinical, but put yourself in this couples' shoes. These are their embryos. Each one is the hope and dream of a little baby. "Not surviving the thaw" and having to "move on to the next most viable option"  is a loss. I understand that we all see life as beginning somewhere different, but for me, these are little (albeit teeny tiny)  foundations for babies. They may not have heartbeats, brains, or skeletal systems (or any body systems for that matter), but they have already been thought of, loved, and prayed for. I don't think that any of us take this part of it lightly.  

2)  I get a uterine catheter (sounds WAAAAY worse than it is, seriously, the last one was easier than a pap) and they put the embryo in (yes, just one). I believe I heard somewhere that I need to hang out for like half an hour afterward. *remember, the embryo is the dad's sperm and the mom's egg already united. That part of the job is already done. 

3) Then, just like every other hopeful and nervous couple trying to have a kid…THEY WAIT. Waiting for a pregnancy test is SUCH a rush. Hopeful waiting, but it also borders on torturous. My goal is for them to find out first. It may take some tricky tricky maneuvering- but I'm up for a challenge!

Thanks for all the prayers by the way. 

Many people have told me about all the different people praying for us. I won't lie, I used to dislike it when people said they would pray for me. I still haven't quite figured out why yet, but the point is- NOW I'm all over it. I told one friend that my new attitude is "Say a prayer and tell a friend!" 

I am SO thankful for not only the people around us all doing the praying, but also for the parents who knew that was such an important part of this process that it helped them to decide when to make it public knowledge. I can't imagine going through the uncertainty of embryo transfer without being able to reach out to the people we love the most and to know that they are reaching out to the One who loves us the most. Ooooh…that was inadvertently deep. 

Hormone #1 Update

This must be the gentle no big deal hormone…because I'm feeling pretty darn good! I actually feel better than when I was on the birth control! The only side effect I've noticed is that my dizzy spells have substantially increased (not EVERY time I stand up, but more than not)

I feel better within seconds- so no big deal AT ALL. 

I COULD be more tired, but it's hard to tell as I am pretty much always tired. I've always been able to nap anytime, anywhere. I used to take naps in my car outside of school my first year of teaching. Plus, after rocking him in a dim room with white noise for 15 minutes, I feel like anyone would want to take a nap. Eli's been sleeping in later (getting up closer to 6:45 rather than 6…those 45 minutes are HUGE), so he's really helping me out. 

Mood-wise, I FEEL the same. I asked Rico for his honest opinion, and he said he feels like I haven't acted differently. 

So far, SO GOOD! 

Sonogram Tuesday to check if the hormone has done its job and my lining is ready for their tiny human. If it is, we get to SCHEDULE THE EMBRYO  TRANSFER!!!!!!!!! Probably for the next week. 

Yes, yes, yes, yes yes!

Hormones Begin...

Tomorrow I feel like things get real. Sure, I've had ultrasounds, blood tests, meetings with therapists, and signed a contract...but none of those things CHANGED me. 

I think that's what makes tomorrow feel big, even though when I told my husband, "I start my first hormone tomorrow" his reaction was a bland, "ok"

TECHNICALLY I suppose I was "taking hormones" before now, but it was just your run of the mill birth control (which I thought for sure I would never see again back when I quit a few years ago)
 Those don't feel real though. 

I'd been there. 

I'd done that. 

The hormones I start tomorrow (a little blue pill twice a day) symbolize the REAL unknown, the REAL "you're prepping your body for their baby". 

I won't lie and say I'm not nervous. 

Nervous that I'll be a train wreck emotionally. 

Nervous that I'll be worn down and unable to be the mom to Eli I want to be. 

Nervous that it won't work and all the guilt (wait, I'm supposed to re-frame that to be "disappointment") I would feel. 

So, all these things are popping up from my subconscious (I don't spend a lot, if any, time consciously worrying about it) on my drive home from a meal-prep workshop. *maybe because that is the first chunk of time I've had truly ALONE to let my mind wander

I decided I should probably pray about it, especially given this perfect 25 minute commute opportunity. 

Fully intending to be the talker, not the listener, I skipped my iTunes past the current song (it was that song from RENT about all those minutes- great song, but not really the feel I was going for) to get background music. 

Sure enough, I got JUST the song I needed. It's one of those songs that you know, and you sing, but you've never really HEARD it. 

I love those moments where you just know you are meant to be right where you are doing right what you are doing and hearing exactly what you are hearing. 

I decided if God was going to do the talking, I was going to shut up and listen. 

He delivered. 

You should listen. But listen thinking of those specific worries I had on my mind. Whoa. 

Kutless, Carry Me to The Cross.

Music does it for me. This isn't the first time in this process He's given me a song (in fact, he may just be making my birthing playlist!) The first song He gave me will ALWAYS remind me of this family and this process. I heard it in concert once and remember thinking, "I feel nothing right now. I feel like this should be moving and touching and impactful (*not a word)- but I feel literally nothing." I wasn't even sure I LIKED the song. 

Then this gestational carrier process happened. I heard it on the radio one morning and cried by the end of the first refrain. 

When I hear it, I imagine the birth of the baby. It's dim. It's quiet. I'm needing reassurance and a second wind of energy (if you're a birthie, think transition) and the parents are there wanting to make it not hurt, but feeling helpless: so they pray.

Some birth strategies encourage you to pick a mantra- Something to set the tone, motivate you, and keep you focused on what you really think is important- that refrain is my mantra. I realized I don't just want it to be my mantra for the delivery, but for the entire process. The good AND the bad. The celebrations AND the disappointments.
*yes, this sounds crazy. I wrote off a "mantra" the second someone suggested it, but then Rico accidentally started repeating "Stay low, stay calm" throughout Eli's labor and it really did help.*

It really is a simple song, but it IMMEDIATELY resonated with me even though only months before it meant nothing. 

THEN we sang it at church the next day (love our worship band, but incorporating NEW music isn't something they do) and I cried again! I obviously HAD to tell the mom, and when she listened to it, she saw a rainbow... And also cried. All these tears!
*Right now you either think we are all nutcases or you totally get it.*

Since then, klove has played it almost every single time I've gotten in the car (which isn't shocking, as klove can tend to go overboard- but this time I don't mind). Even when I drive 3 minutes to the grocery store I will inevitably hear it.  

But back to hormone-eve. After the Kutless song, I said "thanks!" out loud, and by the time the introductory notes for the next song came on I was laughing. He did it again. 

I have a song that got me through the stress of teaching. I would play it every morning in my car before going in to work.
Every morning.
Even if I was running behind.
 Sometimes I listened to it on loop.
 I once listened to it 10 times in a row. 

THAT was the next song. 

I had just heard it the day before, while working out and had to skip it (listen to it, you'll see it's the EXACT opposite of what you shod listen to while trying to motivate yourself to run just one more lap). I was disappointed because with all the music on my iTunes, it is very rare that it just pops up when I play my entire play list on shuffle, so I didn't know the next time I would get to hear it. (The next day apparently. )

There was nothing left to do but let out a chuckle and enjoy. 

"Slow me down" by the Robbie Saeys Band. (If you have control issues or a perfectionist personality or are just feeling overwhelmed- you should probably listen to this song)

So now, waiting for bed (I think my tea must have been caffeinated) I'm thankful for these reminders. For the songs that tell me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Thankful that (besides Erik) the first person I wanted to run home and tell was the mom, because I knew she would think it was as cool as I did. That Kutless song ALSO reminded me that I get to be thankful for all the support I have around me. I don't have to be worried about how this might bring me down, because I've got family 3 minutes away in any direction. Plus, this baby's mom had to go through the hormone game last go-around so once again, "I'm not alone". Even the baby's Grandma has been an encouraging word at just the right time. We've got people all over the state praying for us- people I don't know, and people the parents have never met.
* I get that the line is intended to be about God, but in this instance it can ALSO be about the amazing people He's surrounded me with for when times get hard.

REALLY amazing people. 

Telling the (Facebook) World: Prayers Please

Oh man, she told the world! We've both talked about how it's hard not to talk about it to everyone we meet, and now we can! My heart skipped a little beat when she told me she was doing it (posting it on Facebook) and skipped about 3 more beats when I got a sneak peak into all the love and support this family has around them.

Somehow having other people (besides family) know is FINALLY making it seem a bit more real! About a million and one people said they'd be praying, which is exactly what we'll need through this whole process. 

One of the (many) lessons I have learned from Katy's cancer treatment process was this: telling people HOW they can pray is so helpful. It was nice to be able to pray for more than just the same old "please make her better" (not that He doesn't "get" that message too, but apparently when you are type A, it extends into your prayer life too)

We'll be asking for lots of prayers as we get closer and closer to the big day (the embryo transfer), but for now: a prayer for the hormones to do their thing (building up a rich plush little lining for their baby to nuzzle into and then convincing my body that that was a totally normal thing to happen and that these pregnancy hormones are totally acceptable even though I'm not ovulating). Basically, hoping my body will just go with the flow. All this WITHOUT me turning into a zombie or raging beast would be great. Yes, please use the words "zombie" and some form of "raging beast" in your prayer, I feel like He'll appreciate the novelty. 

Prayers for the mom and dad would be great too, that they would feel a peace about this process. Not just with using a gestational carrier- they've been there and done that- but with the feelings of helplessness that can come with this process. Knowing that statistics aren't great could make anyone feel defeated, especially when they've gone through so much just to get us to this point. (but really, SO much. She's ON IT. An A+, with extra credit…which makes my job SO much easier) Please pray for them to feel "held" throughout this entire journey. When you want something so very badly, it is hard to not get ahead of yourself with excitement and remember that when we say we are submitting this to God, that ALSO means we have to be prepared that His path may not be the one we have all happily imagined these past months. I would imagine they might feel polarized, sometimes trying to not get ahead of themselves or get their hopes up and other times trying not to get drug down by "what ifs". 

For us and our family: I don't know if I've mentioned it in the last 10 minutes, but I love my husband and son to an almost creepy level. That being said, this process is going to make parts of life with me a little harder. First the hormonal part, then (hopefully) the physical pregnancy part, and in general the sticky inbetween stuff. Our families could use some prayers to. For most of my family, this wasn't shocking. I'd mentioned wanting to do it since before Rico and I even got married, but that doesn't mean it is easy to fully understand or cope with the concerns they have. Because saying you trust God and actually having to LIVE that when someone you love says, "hey, I'm going to pump my body full of hormones, possibly be a total crazy person for a few months, take on the risks of pregnancy and birth- oh and by the way it's all for someone else." is a challenge. Please pray that they see God's hand guiding this process and are able to trust that He's got this...we don't know what that LOOKS like yet...but He's got it. 

Finally, please pray for me to have discernment in my words and thoughts. That I will be able to think through what I say and do from not just MY perspective, but THEIRS before I act or speak. That I can discern between priorities and juggle my new role as gestational carrier with being a mother and wife WITHOUT shortchanging anyone (including myself) or feeling overwhelmed. 

So:

1- That hormones work well- with minimal side effects (bonus points for "zombie" or "raging beast") 

2- Peace for mom and dad

3- Peace for my family

4- Discernment for me

No Shots…WHAT?!

I need to remember to start taking pictures at my appointments, but this one, THIS one was a unique appointment.
I had a HYDRO vaginal ultrasound (it might have had a longer name than that, but that's what I remember). Why do I remember…well you don't forget something like that! No pain…but very interesting for sure.

Science moment: WHY did they shoot fluid up? WELL, your uterus is usually foldy (a super-sciencey term) when there is nothing in it (like a baby). I imagine a balloon before it is inflated, just all foldy-innie on itself (I can tell you are blown away by my scientific jargon) They wanted to make sure that I didn't have any cysts or growths (because those could potentially impact my ability to get pregnant or carry a healthy pregnancy), but you can't see that super well unless you blow the balloon up. They put a catheter up through my cervix, put in some fluid, and did the vaginal ultra sound. It sounds way worse than it was. It wasn't even as bad as a pap-smear. Easy.

I thought I was just having another look-see at my uterus and ovaries (after more bloodwork…everyone wants to suck my blood). The nurse let me know what was REALLY going to be happening. Then, the infamous words I may never forget, "It gets a bit messy, after all what goes in must come out"
Huh.

I mean, I'm not sure what to do with that. I told her I never got the chance to feel my water break (I was in the tub and pretty far along into "labor land" at that point), so I might just pretend. I also told her that I didn't think that the mom and dad knew this was the testing I would be getting today either and asked her to explain it to them before sending them back so they could decide who should or shouldn't come.  The dad stayed in the waiting room, so I thought, "All right, she obviously told them"
20 minutes later, there's the mom, 2 year old on her lap, gestational carrier 1 sheet away from being half naked, playing it SO cool even though they didn't tell her what was going to be happening EITHER! She was "being cooler than the situation", and goodness knows I don't mind. All the little one saw was the screen, which pretty much looked like a weather map, so I don't think anyone was scarred for life.

We went back to the office to get the timeline (YEEEEES- we had been waiting for this for SO long), sign more contracts saying we understood the process, and then went on a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

Let's start with highs.

The nurse told us there was a NON shot option for one of my daily hormones! This had been the main fear for me. "I don't do shots" is an understatement. The BAD news, it costs more. Like way more. By the time I found that out, I had already jumped up and down, squealed, and hugged everyone in the room (including the nurse). The other bad news is that it is a suppository. Again, messy. (Sorry, this is apparently a very gross blog post, but it's honest!)

The low, at least for me, was hearing the statistics. I was pretty naive about thinking we would do the embryo transfer and then I would be pregnant. I knew that it wouldn't be 100%, but I thought it would at least be MORE likely rather than LESS likely (statistically). I was wrong. I also didn't realize that there was a chance the first egg might not "survive the thaw" (which seems like the subtitle to an Ice Age sequel). I had this image that the mom would get to use the embryo she didn't use when she had her first (they literally showed them to her side by side and made her choose. How do you choose?! She said she'd been thinking about that embryo ever since) I never imagined that there would be chance that they couldn't use that embryo.

The mom's reaction was, "But it WILL work." and before we left, "We need prayer, like, now"
She ACTUALLY reacted the way we all THINK we'll react.  She blows me away. Lucky baby this little one.

First Apointment with the Fertility Doc

There were lots of questions.

There were lots of answers.

Some were basic ("You don't smoke, drink, cuss, take drugs, right"), 

some were thought provoking ("Even with only 1 embryo, you do realize there is a chance of twins (dramatic pause) or even triplets?"), 

but most of them wouldn't interest you. 

Here are some of the more entertaining highlights:

1) There was a guy training alongside the doctor. We got to talking about our kids and he said something about how he prefers them after they turn one. I agreed and wanted to go on and on about how that's one thing people don't get about this gestational carrier thing. They all think I'm going to have a hard time seeing the baby and not wanting a baby to take home. 

I'm not a baby person. 

I think I can say it with little to no shame now. 

I love Eli, but that was more in SPITE of him being a baby, not because of. 

My heart didn't "Explode with love" the second I laid eyes on him. I didn't "Feel emotions I had never felt before" when I held him for the first time. 

Unless that feeling was an overwhelming sense of responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, babies are cute. Specifically, OTHER PEOPLE'S babies are cute. Like my nieces. Or my friends kids. You know, the ones that you can hold, and then when they get fussy you can hand them back because "Oh, I think they need their mommy" which is code for "Good luck with that, I'll just be over here snacking"

If I could just be a grandma- that would really be ideal. 

2) The doctor was asking about how conceiving, pregnancy, labor, and postpartum went with Eli. 

"No problem, faster than expected"

"No problem, easier than expected"

"No problem, no complications, and beautiful"

"No problem….oh wait. There WAS that "vaginal demolition"

Doctor: "excuse me, vaginal what?"

Me: "I know, right? What a HORRIBLE name, but that's what the insurance company called it"

after I explained that it was really just the removal of granular tissue he went on…

Doctor: "And did the doctor indicate that you shouldn't have another vaginal birth?"

*I tried really hard not to laugh at this point. 

Me: "No, not at all"

Doctor: "Do you feel like it was difficult enough that you wouldn't want to have another vaginal birth?"

What I SAID: "No, not at ALL"

What I WANTED to say: "I would be, like, the WORST gestational carrier EVER if I offered to carry a baby and hadn't thought through if I would actually be ok with delivering that baby." 

3) But, the who's-crazy-now table turned pretty quickly when he asked about medications I was taking. 

Me: "Just a pre-natal"

after a pause….

Me: "Oh, and I just finished my placenta capsules"

Dr.: "I'm sorry, your what?"

He proceeded to ask me questions like "Who did this for you" and "So, they let someone leave with it?" "What is the process to encapsulate?" "How many capsules did you take" "How much does this cost?" and my FAVORITE "So, whose placenta was this?" and other questions that led me to believe that he thought I called up a local shaman to cleanse my aura and then throw my placenta in a ziplock baggie to some unsanitary field to say some prayers over it and shove it into capsules. (all of these things by the way are, like, the opposite of what really happens)

I wanted to be like, "Dude, I'm not crazy. I know right now you think I am crazy, but I'm not. Please still let me have this baby, I won't make anyone else ingest my placenta (except me)"

I think I may have been his first. 

I texted my husband: "It went well. My uterus looks good. The doctor thinks I'm a crazy hippie, but they didn't take any blood, so it's a win."

Speaking of my uterus, it was cool to get to see it without a baby. He showed me (and measured) my uterus from lots of different angles, and my ovaries. I even got some bonus info that they look like they produce a good number of eggs- not important until we are ready to try, but fun to note never the less. 

He showed me using a vaginal ultrasound, which was much less awkward than I remember it being. 

As he left he said, "We'll let you re-gain your modestly and re-join us in the office" and I wanted to be like, "Dude, if having a doctor do a vaginal ultrasound makes me question my modesty, we've got some big problems headed our way." Having already played my "crazy placenta midwife lady" card, I opted to reserve that little gem.

Instead I put on my underwear and greeted him literally 2 seconds later. 

"That was fast" he said. 

Well doc, I wore a dress and flip flops for a reason. This isn't my first rodeo. 

 *also of note, apparently I have a subconscious desire to call this man "Dude"

4) I got to ask my questions. One that had really been a fear of mine got answered quickly and easily. I wondered if the hormones I would be taking might negatively impact my chances of conceiving in the future (Brown baby #2). I was really thinking he would say "In a small number of women…blah blah blah", but he pretty much wiped that fear away and said that there should be no reason for me to worry about that. Well, gee, I wish I would have know that a month ago. I mean, that would have REALLY simplified the contract writing part of this process. I was over here worried about something that he's telling me is a non-issue. 

The up-side: what great news! That is a huge weight off my shoulders. 

5) As he was leaving the room I thought of one last thing, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I am afraid of needles" I didn't see his face, but I didn't need to. Props to him for not face-palming, especially since we JUST finished the placenta conversation.

I quickly followed it up with, "Which I realize I am going to need to get over pretty quickly" so he didn't think I was a naive idiot. Needles are one hurdle still left to be jumped. Mentally, I think I have convinced myself that if I can squeeze a fat roll before putting a needle in it, it will be ok. I'm not sure why that makes it seem more ok, but it does. So, hopefully that will be the case. If not, I'll get through it. 

In general, I left the appointment feeling like they were very serious about what they do. They wanted what was best for everyone. They felt the weight of this process, and wanted to make sure that I did too. I felt like they were protective over both the parents, and me- almost in a parental way, not with a favorite, but with the best interests of everyone in mind. 

Now, hopefully they don't write "Vaginally-demolished-crazy-hippie with fear of needles" in my chart and then we'll be just fine. 

Or do, that's fine, I'll own it.

 

I'm having THEIR Baby

We're (what feels like FINALLY) far enough along in the process that I can put it out there. I am getting ready to help an amazing family have their baby! 

April 14th…because there is no non-awkward way to be like, "Hey, can I grow your baby?"

Their pea, my pod.

Their bun, my oven.

I'm just the stork.

They planned the party, made the guest list (a tiny little embryo that I hear is quite the Grade A stunner), and I'm just providing the location.

*enough with the analogies already? ok, just one more

I'm like a nanny, but I don't have to change any diapers, the baby doesn't throw tantrums, and I feed him/her by eating something myself. Not a bad gig.

Ok, so it isn't all rainbows and unicorns. 

There will be morning sickness (I hear it will be substantially worse because of the drugs I'll be hopped up on). 

There will be aches

There will be stretch marks (although THIS time I know to basically buy out the belly butter/ cocoa butter section AND PUT IT ON MY HIPS. Lesson learned)

There will be mood swings (again, probably worse with the hormones)

There will be fatigue (it's a good thing I still regularly subscribe to the "sleep when the baby sleeps" mantra even though my "baby" is now a toddler)

There will be labor…not at New Birth Company, but (we hope, and as long as everything is running smoothly) with a midwife here. 

BUT, in the end, there will be a moment to make it all worth it. There will be the moment when this mommy and daddy meet their little one, and their little boy meets his little brother or sister. When this family of 3 becomes a family of 4. 

I could almost cry just thinking about it….and I'm not even on hormones yet!

My blog title, "I Get to Be the One" is taking on a VERY new meaning. What a privilege and an honor for a couple to say that they trust me to grow their baby. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to trust another person to do that. Not only are they entrusting me PHYSICALLY to grow the baby, but they are also entrusting that I can be a good teammate. 

That I will communicate. 

That I will share my feelings... even when they are hard. 

That I will be sensitive to, honor, and respect their feelings. 

That I will ask questions, and be ready to answer any they might have. 

That I will remember my role and not overstep unwritten boundaries

That we will all keep God at the center of this process. That we will listen to Him when he says "yes", and not push on any doors that He has closed (her wisdom, not mine…I TOLD you she was awesome)

That we let Him guide and direct us. 

That this baby will be prayed for early and often. 

That I can be flexible.

That I will be able to compromise and problem solve as a TEAM when choices need to be made that impact us all and there aren't clear solutions

And that's a lot. SO many things in life have been modeled for us, so we just kind of "knew" what to do and how we wanted to do it. Dating, weddings, having Eli…all of these things were things that we had seen done by others before us. We knew what to expect. We compromised and problem solved even when it was difficult- which any of those things were at certain points. Problem solving with 2 different people is hard enough- but imagine 4. 

4 people, with 4 different roles, 4 different life stories that have given them 4 different ways of viewing the world. 

The good news, is that even though we may be trying to pull off one of the biggest "group projects" any of us will ever be a part of- we all have the same goal. 

We all want this little embryo to turn into a little fetus, and that little fetus to turn into a little baby, and that little baby to meet the people who have put in SO much love and time to make sure THEY would get to be the ones. 

The ones to freak out over the first positive pregnancy test.

The ones who get to tell their little boy that he's going to be a big brother.

The ones to hold hands when they hear baby's first heartbeat. 

The ones who hold their breathes right before they find out if their baby is a little boy or a little girl.

The ones who will be putting together a nursery and buying tiny clothes to hang on tiny hangers.

The ones who will be counting down the days until the due date, probably sleeping less and less each night it gets closer.

The ones who will get to watch their baby be born and really be PRESENT for every moment in a unique way that is such a blessing. 

The ones who will be there smiling so much it hurts as they hold their baby for the first time. As they count those fingers and toes, the toes that will one day patter around their house. As they see the face that has been in hiding for 9 months, the face that they will watch grow older and older. As they hug and kiss their baby, the first kisses of a lifetime more to come. 

…and I get to be there for almost all of it. 

What an honor. 

I mean, really. 

These are some of the most intimate moments in a couples' lives- and they are entrusting ME to share in those moments with them. 

I feel the weight of that. 

People have asked me if this or that would be hard for me (mainly delivering a baby and not leaving with a baby), and I have to say, that doesn't worry me. It never has. That part has always just made sense to me. 

What worries me MOST, 

what fills my brain at 1 am, 

is being worthy of that honor. 

 I want this pregnancy, this whole experience, to be filled with joy. I want, more than anything else, for this family to look back and say, "That went better than we could have ever imagined" 

That the healthy, unique, beautiful little baby they created won't have to be the thing that makes trudging though this experience worth it, but instead is the natural outcome of the healthy, unique, beautiful journey it took that baby to get into their arms.

I'm going to try my hardest to document that journey here. I'll attempt to answer some of the common questions I get, and describe the process in general- because as the mom and I agree- it is FASCINATING (even to non pregnancy and labor junkies like me)

We'll work on a blog approved name for her too- because "the mom" sounds so sterile and boring, and she is neither of those things.  I also promise not to be as serious-face as I just was. I mean, I didn't intend to be so deep, but that's what came out. 

For now, a toast to this little secret being a little less secret.
(this is from our vacation, she jumped through hoops and language barriers to try and send us flowers and champagne to our room. She even got my parents in on it. I know, SO sweet.)

Weanie

Weaning. 

At the same time as "sleep training"

At the same time as teething….molars no less. 

Am I crazy? Maybe. 

BUT, sometimes you have to do crazy things.

Tonight was Eli's last time nursing. 

I didn't cry. 

It was sad, and I stared at him the entire time, but I didn't cry.

Let's look on the happy side though- 

I get my boobs back. No more nursing bras, nursing pads, engorgement, thinking about how long I could be somewhere before I would need to leave because I was so full I might explode, no more accidental milk showers when I wait to long to feed him, no more leaving the room every few hours to sit in a dark room all by ourselves for half an hour, and I don't have to worry about everything I eat and drink and what time it will get to Eli. 

The other good news is that, if all goes according to plan, we'll be able to go on vacation and I won't even need to bring a pump. HOOOORAY!

The bad news…well, the bad news is that my boobs may be mine, but they certainly don't look like mine. Yikes. I mean, I knew it was coming, but man. I ACTUALLY did a double take getting out of the shower the other day. We'll see how this ends up. 

All that, and I am still sad to be done. It was amazing how in tune it kept us. 

I made what he needed. 

He needed what I made.

I felt a bit like a super hero. 

When nothing else worked- nursing would.

It's his favorite thing. 

Was.

It WAS his favorite thing.

Oh goodness, I better stop now before I DO cry.

I'll leave with a photo from tonight before bedtime. 

I think he forgives me. 

I. Slept. All. Night.

It's been almost 2 years in the coming…but I got to sleep all night WITHOUT WAKING UP

I didn't wake up to pee from a baby sitting on my bladder

I didn't wake up because of pregnancy hormones giving me WEIRD dreams

I didn't wake up to nurse a baby.

Eli slept all night, and SO DID WE! 

I celebrated with a closed door shower, a quick at-home pedi, wine (ok, ok, 80% grape juice and 20% wine), chocolate ice-cream, and an episode of Call the Midwife. 

 As one should. 

This sounds all happy, happy, happy. 

Let me assure you, the process to get there was NOT.

We needed to have Eli night-weaned by the time we leave for vacation. So, we got a plan, marked it all out on our calendar, and put the "No Cry Sleep Solution" plan into action.

It SUUUUUUUUCKED.

"No cry", um, yeah right. 

The idea is that it is a gentler way to help your child sleep through the night (an alternative to the Ferber method or Cry It Out method)

Let's just say, Eli's voice is still raspy from all the screaming he did. 

Week 1: hard-core schedule during the day (eating, napping), bedtime routine

Week 2: keep the schedule and add in more food during the day, keep bedtime routine

Week 3: No cry sleep solution at night (aka: no one sleeps for a week)

Week 4: Eli sleeps through the night- but stops napping

HOPEFULLY week 5 brings naps back into the picture…because mama needs a break. 

Eli's First Birthday!

In reality, I didn't write this until 3 months later. Whoops. Sorry.
My little boy turned 1.
I wasn't sad- no tears were shed.
We just enjoyed a beautiful day with family and friends.
I'll Let the pictures tell the story.
It was Woodland themed…duh.

Birthday baths mean that you get to have ALL your toys

 

Birthday Breakfast: scrambled eggs (he eats these almost every day), fancy fruit, and a HEDGEHOG piece of toast.

These aren't in order…you're just going to have to be ok with that (because putting them in order would take, like, an hour)

We had a play area for all the littles who came. It included this baby holder make-shift ball-pit

I worked herder than I should have on this, so yes, it gets a picture

Don't be fooled- no one in this picture can take any credit for this Trail mix bar masterpiece. It was ALL my mother-in-law

She's amazingly talented.

Gift table (in the gazebo): His cake smash photos are on that window pane

His monthly photos sitting in his owl chair

Grandpas everywhere!

 

Rico's cousin made these super fancy cookies and home made gourmet spreads/ jellies. There was rose water involved. She's fancy.

Eli's gift from his grandma got put into action early

Seriously one of my favorite photos form the whole day. Two of Rico's aunts just getting some Eli love

behind the scenes

Uncle Josh taking the cousins on a drive

Yes, yes I had centerpieces for a 1 year old's birthday party. Burlap runners,  sliced trunks, mason jars with chevron burlap ribbon (and baby's breath), sprinkled with pine cones. 

….and we hung lanterns in the trees

Look at ALL THESE GOODIES

Rico's aunt made her famous carrot cake (seriously, it is SO good)
The cake stand was a tree stump Rico's uncle chopped down and stained himself!

AND she made carrot cupcakes! Adorable. So, SO adorable.

Great grandma

He. Loved. His. Truck.

Look at that hat- it's from his great grandma and great grandpa

One thing is for sure- this little boy is very loved.
Obviously WE love him, but to be able to have so many friends drive all the way down to us and to have so many family members (the kid has FOUR great grandparents that aren't just present, but INVOLVED in his life weekly) that love him.

Favorite memories:
-Looking out and seeing Aunt Laura playing blocks with Eli and Lizzie. With their blonde hair (and difference in age from each other) it was like getting to look back and watch her with her two kids. I almost cried.
-Decorating the day before (my birthday). One of the "gifts" I asked for was that whenever Rico WANTED to roll his eyes and tell me I was going overboard, he would INSTEAD say something like "Wow, look at all this effort you are putting in, Eli is so lucky"
…I also had to promise not to go this crazy every year (which I FULLY intend to follow through with)
-Watching Eli go from person to person and not have any issues, because he gets to see them all so often
-The food. I pawned off delegated nearly every job for this party, especially food. Everyone knocked it OUT OF THE PARK. We ate the rest of the smash cake for the next week and I threw a little fit when it was completely gone.

Speaking of out of the park, that's my rough plan for next year. A park, some snacks, and a decoration or two (yeah, right).
I'm SO glad we went all out for this one, even though he won't remember it. I loved planning it! BUUUUT I don't think I'll mind scaling it down a bit either. I've already started thinking of a theme. So far we're at either construction (dump trucks with chocolate pudding "dirt" as centerpieces?!) or literacy themed (I could recycle all sorts of ideas from my sister's baby shower…a pinterest WIN)

We'll see what Eli is into.