Hormones Begin...

Tomorrow I feel like things get real. Sure, I've had ultrasounds, blood tests, meetings with therapists, and signed a contract...but none of those things CHANGED me. 

I think that's what makes tomorrow feel big, even though when I told my husband, "I start my first hormone tomorrow" his reaction was a bland, "ok"

TECHNICALLY I suppose I was "taking hormones" before now, but it was just your run of the mill birth control (which I thought for sure I would never see again back when I quit a few years ago)
 Those don't feel real though. 

I'd been there. 

I'd done that. 

The hormones I start tomorrow (a little blue pill twice a day) symbolize the REAL unknown, the REAL "you're prepping your body for their baby". 

I won't lie and say I'm not nervous. 

Nervous that I'll be a train wreck emotionally. 

Nervous that I'll be worn down and unable to be the mom to Eli I want to be. 

Nervous that it won't work and all the guilt (wait, I'm supposed to re-frame that to be "disappointment") I would feel. 

So, all these things are popping up from my subconscious (I don't spend a lot, if any, time consciously worrying about it) on my drive home from a meal-prep workshop. *maybe because that is the first chunk of time I've had truly ALONE to let my mind wander

I decided I should probably pray about it, especially given this perfect 25 minute commute opportunity. 

Fully intending to be the talker, not the listener, I skipped my iTunes past the current song (it was that song from RENT about all those minutes- great song, but not really the feel I was going for) to get background music. 

Sure enough, I got JUST the song I needed. It's one of those songs that you know, and you sing, but you've never really HEARD it. 

I love those moments where you just know you are meant to be right where you are doing right what you are doing and hearing exactly what you are hearing. 

I decided if God was going to do the talking, I was going to shut up and listen. 

He delivered. 

You should listen. But listen thinking of those specific worries I had on my mind. Whoa. 

Kutless, Carry Me to The Cross.

Music does it for me. This isn't the first time in this process He's given me a song (in fact, he may just be making my birthing playlist!) The first song He gave me will ALWAYS remind me of this family and this process. I heard it in concert once and remember thinking, "I feel nothing right now. I feel like this should be moving and touching and impactful (*not a word)- but I feel literally nothing." I wasn't even sure I LIKED the song. 

Then this gestational carrier process happened. I heard it on the radio one morning and cried by the end of the first refrain. 

When I hear it, I imagine the birth of the baby. It's dim. It's quiet. I'm needing reassurance and a second wind of energy (if you're a birthie, think transition) and the parents are there wanting to make it not hurt, but feeling helpless: so they pray.

Some birth strategies encourage you to pick a mantra- Something to set the tone, motivate you, and keep you focused on what you really think is important- that refrain is my mantra. I realized I don't just want it to be my mantra for the delivery, but for the entire process. The good AND the bad. The celebrations AND the disappointments.
*yes, this sounds crazy. I wrote off a "mantra" the second someone suggested it, but then Rico accidentally started repeating "Stay low, stay calm" throughout Eli's labor and it really did help.*

It really is a simple song, but it IMMEDIATELY resonated with me even though only months before it meant nothing. 

THEN we sang it at church the next day (love our worship band, but incorporating NEW music isn't something they do) and I cried again! I obviously HAD to tell the mom, and when she listened to it, she saw a rainbow... And also cried. All these tears!
*Right now you either think we are all nutcases or you totally get it.*

Since then, klove has played it almost every single time I've gotten in the car (which isn't shocking, as klove can tend to go overboard- but this time I don't mind). Even when I drive 3 minutes to the grocery store I will inevitably hear it.  

But back to hormone-eve. After the Kutless song, I said "thanks!" out loud, and by the time the introductory notes for the next song came on I was laughing. He did it again. 

I have a song that got me through the stress of teaching. I would play it every morning in my car before going in to work.
Every morning.
Even if I was running behind.
 Sometimes I listened to it on loop.
 I once listened to it 10 times in a row. 

THAT was the next song. 

I had just heard it the day before, while working out and had to skip it (listen to it, you'll see it's the EXACT opposite of what you shod listen to while trying to motivate yourself to run just one more lap). I was disappointed because with all the music on my iTunes, it is very rare that it just pops up when I play my entire play list on shuffle, so I didn't know the next time I would get to hear it. (The next day apparently. )

There was nothing left to do but let out a chuckle and enjoy. 

"Slow me down" by the Robbie Saeys Band. (If you have control issues or a perfectionist personality or are just feeling overwhelmed- you should probably listen to this song)

So now, waiting for bed (I think my tea must have been caffeinated) I'm thankful for these reminders. For the songs that tell me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Thankful that (besides Erik) the first person I wanted to run home and tell was the mom, because I knew she would think it was as cool as I did. That Kutless song ALSO reminded me that I get to be thankful for all the support I have around me. I don't have to be worried about how this might bring me down, because I've got family 3 minutes away in any direction. Plus, this baby's mom had to go through the hormone game last go-around so once again, "I'm not alone". Even the baby's Grandma has been an encouraging word at just the right time. We've got people all over the state praying for us- people I don't know, and people the parents have never met.
* I get that the line is intended to be about God, but in this instance it can ALSO be about the amazing people He's surrounded me with for when times get hard.

REALLY amazing people. 

Telling the (Facebook) World: Prayers Please

Oh man, she told the world! We've both talked about how it's hard not to talk about it to everyone we meet, and now we can! My heart skipped a little beat when she told me she was doing it (posting it on Facebook) and skipped about 3 more beats when I got a sneak peak into all the love and support this family has around them.

Somehow having other people (besides family) know is FINALLY making it seem a bit more real! About a million and one people said they'd be praying, which is exactly what we'll need through this whole process. 

One of the (many) lessons I have learned from Katy's cancer treatment process was this: telling people HOW they can pray is so helpful. It was nice to be able to pray for more than just the same old "please make her better" (not that He doesn't "get" that message too, but apparently when you are type A, it extends into your prayer life too)

We'll be asking for lots of prayers as we get closer and closer to the big day (the embryo transfer), but for now: a prayer for the hormones to do their thing (building up a rich plush little lining for their baby to nuzzle into and then convincing my body that that was a totally normal thing to happen and that these pregnancy hormones are totally acceptable even though I'm not ovulating). Basically, hoping my body will just go with the flow. All this WITHOUT me turning into a zombie or raging beast would be great. Yes, please use the words "zombie" and some form of "raging beast" in your prayer, I feel like He'll appreciate the novelty. 

Prayers for the mom and dad would be great too, that they would feel a peace about this process. Not just with using a gestational carrier- they've been there and done that- but with the feelings of helplessness that can come with this process. Knowing that statistics aren't great could make anyone feel defeated, especially when they've gone through so much just to get us to this point. (but really, SO much. She's ON IT. An A+, with extra credit…which makes my job SO much easier) Please pray for them to feel "held" throughout this entire journey. When you want something so very badly, it is hard to not get ahead of yourself with excitement and remember that when we say we are submitting this to God, that ALSO means we have to be prepared that His path may not be the one we have all happily imagined these past months. I would imagine they might feel polarized, sometimes trying to not get ahead of themselves or get their hopes up and other times trying not to get drug down by "what ifs". 

For us and our family: I don't know if I've mentioned it in the last 10 minutes, but I love my husband and son to an almost creepy level. That being said, this process is going to make parts of life with me a little harder. First the hormonal part, then (hopefully) the physical pregnancy part, and in general the sticky inbetween stuff. Our families could use some prayers to. For most of my family, this wasn't shocking. I'd mentioned wanting to do it since before Rico and I even got married, but that doesn't mean it is easy to fully understand or cope with the concerns they have. Because saying you trust God and actually having to LIVE that when someone you love says, "hey, I'm going to pump my body full of hormones, possibly be a total crazy person for a few months, take on the risks of pregnancy and birth- oh and by the way it's all for someone else." is a challenge. Please pray that they see God's hand guiding this process and are able to trust that He's got this...we don't know what that LOOKS like yet...but He's got it. 

Finally, please pray for me to have discernment in my words and thoughts. That I will be able to think through what I say and do from not just MY perspective, but THEIRS before I act or speak. That I can discern between priorities and juggle my new role as gestational carrier with being a mother and wife WITHOUT shortchanging anyone (including myself) or feeling overwhelmed. 

So:

1- That hormones work well- with minimal side effects (bonus points for "zombie" or "raging beast") 

2- Peace for mom and dad

3- Peace for my family

4- Discernment for me

No Shots…WHAT?!

I need to remember to start taking pictures at my appointments, but this one, THIS one was a unique appointment.
I had a HYDRO vaginal ultrasound (it might have had a longer name than that, but that's what I remember). Why do I remember…well you don't forget something like that! No pain…but very interesting for sure.

Science moment: WHY did they shoot fluid up? WELL, your uterus is usually foldy (a super-sciencey term) when there is nothing in it (like a baby). I imagine a balloon before it is inflated, just all foldy-innie on itself (I can tell you are blown away by my scientific jargon) They wanted to make sure that I didn't have any cysts or growths (because those could potentially impact my ability to get pregnant or carry a healthy pregnancy), but you can't see that super well unless you blow the balloon up. They put a catheter up through my cervix, put in some fluid, and did the vaginal ultra sound. It sounds way worse than it was. It wasn't even as bad as a pap-smear. Easy.

I thought I was just having another look-see at my uterus and ovaries (after more bloodwork…everyone wants to suck my blood). The nurse let me know what was REALLY going to be happening. Then, the infamous words I may never forget, "It gets a bit messy, after all what goes in must come out"
Huh.

I mean, I'm not sure what to do with that. I told her I never got the chance to feel my water break (I was in the tub and pretty far along into "labor land" at that point), so I might just pretend. I also told her that I didn't think that the mom and dad knew this was the testing I would be getting today either and asked her to explain it to them before sending them back so they could decide who should or shouldn't come.  The dad stayed in the waiting room, so I thought, "All right, she obviously told them"
20 minutes later, there's the mom, 2 year old on her lap, gestational carrier 1 sheet away from being half naked, playing it SO cool even though they didn't tell her what was going to be happening EITHER! She was "being cooler than the situation", and goodness knows I don't mind. All the little one saw was the screen, which pretty much looked like a weather map, so I don't think anyone was scarred for life.

We went back to the office to get the timeline (YEEEEES- we had been waiting for this for SO long), sign more contracts saying we understood the process, and then went on a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

Let's start with highs.

The nurse told us there was a NON shot option for one of my daily hormones! This had been the main fear for me. "I don't do shots" is an understatement. The BAD news, it costs more. Like way more. By the time I found that out, I had already jumped up and down, squealed, and hugged everyone in the room (including the nurse). The other bad news is that it is a suppository. Again, messy. (Sorry, this is apparently a very gross blog post, but it's honest!)

The low, at least for me, was hearing the statistics. I was pretty naive about thinking we would do the embryo transfer and then I would be pregnant. I knew that it wouldn't be 100%, but I thought it would at least be MORE likely rather than LESS likely (statistically). I was wrong. I also didn't realize that there was a chance the first egg might not "survive the thaw" (which seems like the subtitle to an Ice Age sequel). I had this image that the mom would get to use the embryo she didn't use when she had her first (they literally showed them to her side by side and made her choose. How do you choose?! She said she'd been thinking about that embryo ever since) I never imagined that there would be chance that they couldn't use that embryo.

The mom's reaction was, "But it WILL work." and before we left, "We need prayer, like, now"
She ACTUALLY reacted the way we all THINK we'll react.  She blows me away. Lucky baby this little one.

First Apointment with the Fertility Doc

There were lots of questions.

There were lots of answers.

Some were basic ("You don't smoke, drink, cuss, take drugs, right"), 

some were thought provoking ("Even with only 1 embryo, you do realize there is a chance of twins (dramatic pause) or even triplets?"), 

but most of them wouldn't interest you. 

Here are some of the more entertaining highlights:

1) There was a guy training alongside the doctor. We got to talking about our kids and he said something about how he prefers them after they turn one. I agreed and wanted to go on and on about how that's one thing people don't get about this gestational carrier thing. They all think I'm going to have a hard time seeing the baby and not wanting a baby to take home. 

I'm not a baby person. 

I think I can say it with little to no shame now. 

I love Eli, but that was more in SPITE of him being a baby, not because of. 

My heart didn't "Explode with love" the second I laid eyes on him. I didn't "Feel emotions I had never felt before" when I held him for the first time. 

Unless that feeling was an overwhelming sense of responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, babies are cute. Specifically, OTHER PEOPLE'S babies are cute. Like my nieces. Or my friends kids. You know, the ones that you can hold, and then when they get fussy you can hand them back because "Oh, I think they need their mommy" which is code for "Good luck with that, I'll just be over here snacking"

If I could just be a grandma- that would really be ideal. 

2) The doctor was asking about how conceiving, pregnancy, labor, and postpartum went with Eli. 

"No problem, faster than expected"

"No problem, easier than expected"

"No problem, no complications, and beautiful"

"No problem….oh wait. There WAS that "vaginal demolition"

Doctor: "excuse me, vaginal what?"

Me: "I know, right? What a HORRIBLE name, but that's what the insurance company called it"

after I explained that it was really just the removal of granular tissue he went on…

Doctor: "And did the doctor indicate that you shouldn't have another vaginal birth?"

*I tried really hard not to laugh at this point. 

Me: "No, not at all"

Doctor: "Do you feel like it was difficult enough that you wouldn't want to have another vaginal birth?"

What I SAID: "No, not at ALL"

What I WANTED to say: "I would be, like, the WORST gestational carrier EVER if I offered to carry a baby and hadn't thought through if I would actually be ok with delivering that baby." 

3) But, the who's-crazy-now table turned pretty quickly when he asked about medications I was taking. 

Me: "Just a pre-natal"

after a pause….

Me: "Oh, and I just finished my placenta capsules"

Dr.: "I'm sorry, your what?"

He proceeded to ask me questions like "Who did this for you" and "So, they let someone leave with it?" "What is the process to encapsulate?" "How many capsules did you take" "How much does this cost?" and my FAVORITE "So, whose placenta was this?" and other questions that led me to believe that he thought I called up a local shaman to cleanse my aura and then throw my placenta in a ziplock baggie to some unsanitary field to say some prayers over it and shove it into capsules. (all of these things by the way are, like, the opposite of what really happens)

I wanted to be like, "Dude, I'm not crazy. I know right now you think I am crazy, but I'm not. Please still let me have this baby, I won't make anyone else ingest my placenta (except me)"

I think I may have been his first. 

I texted my husband: "It went well. My uterus looks good. The doctor thinks I'm a crazy hippie, but they didn't take any blood, so it's a win."

Speaking of my uterus, it was cool to get to see it without a baby. He showed me (and measured) my uterus from lots of different angles, and my ovaries. I even got some bonus info that they look like they produce a good number of eggs- not important until we are ready to try, but fun to note never the less. 

He showed me using a vaginal ultrasound, which was much less awkward than I remember it being. 

As he left he said, "We'll let you re-gain your modestly and re-join us in the office" and I wanted to be like, "Dude, if having a doctor do a vaginal ultrasound makes me question my modesty, we've got some big problems headed our way." Having already played my "crazy placenta midwife lady" card, I opted to reserve that little gem.

Instead I put on my underwear and greeted him literally 2 seconds later. 

"That was fast" he said. 

Well doc, I wore a dress and flip flops for a reason. This isn't my first rodeo. 

 *also of note, apparently I have a subconscious desire to call this man "Dude"

4) I got to ask my questions. One that had really been a fear of mine got answered quickly and easily. I wondered if the hormones I would be taking might negatively impact my chances of conceiving in the future (Brown baby #2). I was really thinking he would say "In a small number of women…blah blah blah", but he pretty much wiped that fear away and said that there should be no reason for me to worry about that. Well, gee, I wish I would have know that a month ago. I mean, that would have REALLY simplified the contract writing part of this process. I was over here worried about something that he's telling me is a non-issue. 

The up-side: what great news! That is a huge weight off my shoulders. 

5) As he was leaving the room I thought of one last thing, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I am afraid of needles" I didn't see his face, but I didn't need to. Props to him for not face-palming, especially since we JUST finished the placenta conversation.

I quickly followed it up with, "Which I realize I am going to need to get over pretty quickly" so he didn't think I was a naive idiot. Needles are one hurdle still left to be jumped. Mentally, I think I have convinced myself that if I can squeeze a fat roll before putting a needle in it, it will be ok. I'm not sure why that makes it seem more ok, but it does. So, hopefully that will be the case. If not, I'll get through it. 

In general, I left the appointment feeling like they were very serious about what they do. They wanted what was best for everyone. They felt the weight of this process, and wanted to make sure that I did too. I felt like they were protective over both the parents, and me- almost in a parental way, not with a favorite, but with the best interests of everyone in mind. 

Now, hopefully they don't write "Vaginally-demolished-crazy-hippie with fear of needles" in my chart and then we'll be just fine. 

Or do, that's fine, I'll own it.

 

I'm having THEIR Baby

We're (what feels like FINALLY) far enough along in the process that I can put it out there. I am getting ready to help an amazing family have their baby! 

April 14th…because there is no non-awkward way to be like, "Hey, can I grow your baby?"

Their pea, my pod.

Their bun, my oven.

I'm just the stork.

They planned the party, made the guest list (a tiny little embryo that I hear is quite the Grade A stunner), and I'm just providing the location.

*enough with the analogies already? ok, just one more

I'm like a nanny, but I don't have to change any diapers, the baby doesn't throw tantrums, and I feed him/her by eating something myself. Not a bad gig.

Ok, so it isn't all rainbows and unicorns. 

There will be morning sickness (I hear it will be substantially worse because of the drugs I'll be hopped up on). 

There will be aches

There will be stretch marks (although THIS time I know to basically buy out the belly butter/ cocoa butter section AND PUT IT ON MY HIPS. Lesson learned)

There will be mood swings (again, probably worse with the hormones)

There will be fatigue (it's a good thing I still regularly subscribe to the "sleep when the baby sleeps" mantra even though my "baby" is now a toddler)

There will be labor…not at New Birth Company, but (we hope, and as long as everything is running smoothly) with a midwife here. 

BUT, in the end, there will be a moment to make it all worth it. There will be the moment when this mommy and daddy meet their little one, and their little boy meets his little brother or sister. When this family of 3 becomes a family of 4. 

I could almost cry just thinking about it….and I'm not even on hormones yet!

My blog title, "I Get to Be the One" is taking on a VERY new meaning. What a privilege and an honor for a couple to say that they trust me to grow their baby. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to trust another person to do that. Not only are they entrusting me PHYSICALLY to grow the baby, but they are also entrusting that I can be a good teammate. 

That I will communicate. 

That I will share my feelings... even when they are hard. 

That I will be sensitive to, honor, and respect their feelings. 

That I will ask questions, and be ready to answer any they might have. 

That I will remember my role and not overstep unwritten boundaries

That we will all keep God at the center of this process. That we will listen to Him when he says "yes", and not push on any doors that He has closed (her wisdom, not mine…I TOLD you she was awesome)

That we let Him guide and direct us. 

That this baby will be prayed for early and often. 

That I can be flexible.

That I will be able to compromise and problem solve as a TEAM when choices need to be made that impact us all and there aren't clear solutions

And that's a lot. SO many things in life have been modeled for us, so we just kind of "knew" what to do and how we wanted to do it. Dating, weddings, having Eli…all of these things were things that we had seen done by others before us. We knew what to expect. We compromised and problem solved even when it was difficult- which any of those things were at certain points. Problem solving with 2 different people is hard enough- but imagine 4. 

4 people, with 4 different roles, 4 different life stories that have given them 4 different ways of viewing the world. 

The good news, is that even though we may be trying to pull off one of the biggest "group projects" any of us will ever be a part of- we all have the same goal. 

We all want this little embryo to turn into a little fetus, and that little fetus to turn into a little baby, and that little baby to meet the people who have put in SO much love and time to make sure THEY would get to be the ones. 

The ones to freak out over the first positive pregnancy test.

The ones who get to tell their little boy that he's going to be a big brother.

The ones to hold hands when they hear baby's first heartbeat. 

The ones who hold their breathes right before they find out if their baby is a little boy or a little girl.

The ones who will be putting together a nursery and buying tiny clothes to hang on tiny hangers.

The ones who will be counting down the days until the due date, probably sleeping less and less each night it gets closer.

The ones who will get to watch their baby be born and really be PRESENT for every moment in a unique way that is such a blessing. 

The ones who will be there smiling so much it hurts as they hold their baby for the first time. As they count those fingers and toes, the toes that will one day patter around their house. As they see the face that has been in hiding for 9 months, the face that they will watch grow older and older. As they hug and kiss their baby, the first kisses of a lifetime more to come. 

…and I get to be there for almost all of it. 

What an honor. 

I mean, really. 

These are some of the most intimate moments in a couples' lives- and they are entrusting ME to share in those moments with them. 

I feel the weight of that. 

People have asked me if this or that would be hard for me (mainly delivering a baby and not leaving with a baby), and I have to say, that doesn't worry me. It never has. That part has always just made sense to me. 

What worries me MOST, 

what fills my brain at 1 am, 

is being worthy of that honor. 

 I want this pregnancy, this whole experience, to be filled with joy. I want, more than anything else, for this family to look back and say, "That went better than we could have ever imagined" 

That the healthy, unique, beautiful little baby they created won't have to be the thing that makes trudging though this experience worth it, but instead is the natural outcome of the healthy, unique, beautiful journey it took that baby to get into their arms.

I'm going to try my hardest to document that journey here. I'll attempt to answer some of the common questions I get, and describe the process in general- because as the mom and I agree- it is FASCINATING (even to non pregnancy and labor junkies like me)

We'll work on a blog approved name for her too- because "the mom" sounds so sterile and boring, and she is neither of those things.  I also promise not to be as serious-face as I just was. I mean, I didn't intend to be so deep, but that's what came out. 

For now, a toast to this little secret being a little less secret.
(this is from our vacation, she jumped through hoops and language barriers to try and send us flowers and champagne to our room. She even got my parents in on it. I know, SO sweet.)

Weanie

Weaning. 

At the same time as "sleep training"

At the same time as teething….molars no less. 

Am I crazy? Maybe. 

BUT, sometimes you have to do crazy things.

Tonight was Eli's last time nursing. 

I didn't cry. 

It was sad, and I stared at him the entire time, but I didn't cry.

Let's look on the happy side though- 

I get my boobs back. No more nursing bras, nursing pads, engorgement, thinking about how long I could be somewhere before I would need to leave because I was so full I might explode, no more accidental milk showers when I wait to long to feed him, no more leaving the room every few hours to sit in a dark room all by ourselves for half an hour, and I don't have to worry about everything I eat and drink and what time it will get to Eli. 

The other good news is that, if all goes according to plan, we'll be able to go on vacation and I won't even need to bring a pump. HOOOORAY!

The bad news…well, the bad news is that my boobs may be mine, but they certainly don't look like mine. Yikes. I mean, I knew it was coming, but man. I ACTUALLY did a double take getting out of the shower the other day. We'll see how this ends up. 

All that, and I am still sad to be done. It was amazing how in tune it kept us. 

I made what he needed. 

He needed what I made.

I felt a bit like a super hero. 

When nothing else worked- nursing would.

It's his favorite thing. 

Was.

It WAS his favorite thing.

Oh goodness, I better stop now before I DO cry.

I'll leave with a photo from tonight before bedtime. 

I think he forgives me. 

I. Slept. All. Night.

It's been almost 2 years in the coming…but I got to sleep all night WITHOUT WAKING UP

I didn't wake up to pee from a baby sitting on my bladder

I didn't wake up because of pregnancy hormones giving me WEIRD dreams

I didn't wake up to nurse a baby.

Eli slept all night, and SO DID WE! 

I celebrated with a closed door shower, a quick at-home pedi, wine (ok, ok, 80% grape juice and 20% wine), chocolate ice-cream, and an episode of Call the Midwife. 

 As one should. 

This sounds all happy, happy, happy. 

Let me assure you, the process to get there was NOT.

We needed to have Eli night-weaned by the time we leave for vacation. So, we got a plan, marked it all out on our calendar, and put the "No Cry Sleep Solution" plan into action.

It SUUUUUUUUCKED.

"No cry", um, yeah right. 

The idea is that it is a gentler way to help your child sleep through the night (an alternative to the Ferber method or Cry It Out method)

Let's just say, Eli's voice is still raspy from all the screaming he did. 

Week 1: hard-core schedule during the day (eating, napping), bedtime routine

Week 2: keep the schedule and add in more food during the day, keep bedtime routine

Week 3: No cry sleep solution at night (aka: no one sleeps for a week)

Week 4: Eli sleeps through the night- but stops napping

HOPEFULLY week 5 brings naps back into the picture…because mama needs a break.