Mommy breakdown #1

Do you ever wish that you had someone to record you and play you back to yourself?
I NEED that.
Me, in my parenting class, teaching about caring for newborns- that's what I need on loop.

Let me set the scene- I get really serious with them.
I tell them that this is one of those "if you don't hear me say anything else this whole semester - HEAR THIS" moments.

 (Other top 5 things I want them to know in no particular order:
Your vagina is NOT the same as your vulva.
How common miscarriages are even though as a culture we stigmatize them and isolate moms so that they somehow feel like it is their fault WHEN IT IS NOT,
The importance of love and attachment in parenting.
And finally, that once THEY decide to have sex- THEY decide to become advocates for their own bodies- including understanding STD's, family planning, and the psycho-social impact of that kind of relationship)

 but last week,  I made them all put down their pencils to look at me so I could make eye contact with each and every one of them as I said my last "if you hear nothing else I say" moment and hoped it burned into their teenage memories:

"I love breastfeeding. I will get on my soapbox to a advocate for it any day of the week... But it's not "easy".
At least not at first.
You will have to learn.
You will get frustrated.
You will not be sure if you are doing it right.
You will probably hit a breaking point and cry...
 But YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER IF BREASTFEEDING DOESN'T COME PERFECTLY NATURALLY AND MAGICALLY.
Yes, it shouldn't "hurt", but that doesn't mean it's going to start out feeling like rainbows and butterflies
or that you will naturally "just know what to do".
DON'T. GIVE. UP."

I like to imagine it as a very moving and inspirational moment- akin to a moment from Dead Poet's Society or Stand and Deliver.

I needed to hear that tonight at 1 am.

My nipples are sore (sorry, but let's face it- nipple is now a part of my public vocabulary).
My "push present" iPad has a search history filled with basically different versions of "why do I suck at breastfeeding" (yes, I caught the punniness of that- I'm sure I'll laugh later when I can take a shower without wanting to cry from pain)
My husband is walking on egg shells. (He made a joke about sleeping in the guest bedroom so I could at least sleep while Eli screamed his head off some more: and I just started crying and saying "you might as well: I can't do anything to help you anyway- I can't get up to get him, I can barely walk, and I can't even do the ONE thing I should be able to do (feed him)"

Mommy breakdown #1.

THANKFULLY, I have Rico.
To calm me down
To tell me that he thinks I am amazing (all throughout the day- unsolicited!)
To remind me of how the midwife showed me to told him or what the nurse said when she came to check in on us.
To google stores that sell the special nipple butter we want... Because clearly even though my nipples are raw- I HAVE to get the all natural awesome stuff that they only sell in random hippie grocery stores and probably charge twice as much for- even though Rico offered to make a midnight run to Walmart to "just get SOMETHING to help you".

Hey- while you are there being the most super awesome husband in the world, could you also sacrifice a little more for me? This time I want your pride- and man card. Because, that's right, I need you to buy me giant maxi pads for all this bleeding. The entire package you made sure to get me from the birth center (without me even knowing)  has run out.
Sweet. Thanks.

Someone buy this man a beer.
And a nap.
(And then buy me some nipple butter)