No Shots…WHAT?!

I need to remember to start taking pictures at my appointments, but this one, THIS one was a unique appointment.
I had a HYDRO vaginal ultrasound (it might have had a longer name than that, but that's what I remember). Why do I remember…well you don't forget something like that! No pain…but very interesting for sure.

Science moment: WHY did they shoot fluid up? WELL, your uterus is usually foldy (a super-sciencey term) when there is nothing in it (like a baby). I imagine a balloon before it is inflated, just all foldy-innie on itself (I can tell you are blown away by my scientific jargon) They wanted to make sure that I didn't have any cysts or growths (because those could potentially impact my ability to get pregnant or carry a healthy pregnancy), but you can't see that super well unless you blow the balloon up. They put a catheter up through my cervix, put in some fluid, and did the vaginal ultra sound. It sounds way worse than it was. It wasn't even as bad as a pap-smear. Easy.

I thought I was just having another look-see at my uterus and ovaries (after more bloodwork…everyone wants to suck my blood). The nurse let me know what was REALLY going to be happening. Then, the infamous words I may never forget, "It gets a bit messy, after all what goes in must come out"
Huh.

I mean, I'm not sure what to do with that. I told her I never got the chance to feel my water break (I was in the tub and pretty far along into "labor land" at that point), so I might just pretend. I also told her that I didn't think that the mom and dad knew this was the testing I would be getting today either and asked her to explain it to them before sending them back so they could decide who should or shouldn't come.  The dad stayed in the waiting room, so I thought, "All right, she obviously told them"
20 minutes later, there's the mom, 2 year old on her lap, gestational carrier 1 sheet away from being half naked, playing it SO cool even though they didn't tell her what was going to be happening EITHER! She was "being cooler than the situation", and goodness knows I don't mind. All the little one saw was the screen, which pretty much looked like a weather map, so I don't think anyone was scarred for life.

We went back to the office to get the timeline (YEEEEES- we had been waiting for this for SO long), sign more contracts saying we understood the process, and then went on a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

Let's start with highs.

The nurse told us there was a NON shot option for one of my daily hormones! This had been the main fear for me. "I don't do shots" is an understatement. The BAD news, it costs more. Like way more. By the time I found that out, I had already jumped up and down, squealed, and hugged everyone in the room (including the nurse). The other bad news is that it is a suppository. Again, messy. (Sorry, this is apparently a very gross blog post, but it's honest!)

The low, at least for me, was hearing the statistics. I was pretty naive about thinking we would do the embryo transfer and then I would be pregnant. I knew that it wouldn't be 100%, but I thought it would at least be MORE likely rather than LESS likely (statistically). I was wrong. I also didn't realize that there was a chance the first egg might not "survive the thaw" (which seems like the subtitle to an Ice Age sequel). I had this image that the mom would get to use the embryo she didn't use when she had her first (they literally showed them to her side by side and made her choose. How do you choose?! She said she'd been thinking about that embryo ever since) I never imagined that there would be chance that they couldn't use that embryo.

The mom's reaction was, "But it WILL work." and before we left, "We need prayer, like, now"
She ACTUALLY reacted the way we all THINK we'll react.  She blows me away. Lucky baby this little one.

First Apointment with the Fertility Doc

There were lots of questions.

There were lots of answers.

Some were basic ("You don't smoke, drink, cuss, take drugs, right"), 

some were thought provoking ("Even with only 1 embryo, you do realize there is a chance of twins (dramatic pause) or even triplets?"), 

but most of them wouldn't interest you. 

Here are some of the more entertaining highlights:

1) There was a guy training alongside the doctor. We got to talking about our kids and he said something about how he prefers them after they turn one. I agreed and wanted to go on and on about how that's one thing people don't get about this gestational carrier thing. They all think I'm going to have a hard time seeing the baby and not wanting a baby to take home. 

I'm not a baby person. 

I think I can say it with little to no shame now. 

I love Eli, but that was more in SPITE of him being a baby, not because of. 

My heart didn't "Explode with love" the second I laid eyes on him. I didn't "Feel emotions I had never felt before" when I held him for the first time. 

Unless that feeling was an overwhelming sense of responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, babies are cute. Specifically, OTHER PEOPLE'S babies are cute. Like my nieces. Or my friends kids. You know, the ones that you can hold, and then when they get fussy you can hand them back because "Oh, I think they need their mommy" which is code for "Good luck with that, I'll just be over here snacking"

If I could just be a grandma- that would really be ideal. 

2) The doctor was asking about how conceiving, pregnancy, labor, and postpartum went with Eli. 

"No problem, faster than expected"

"No problem, easier than expected"

"No problem, no complications, and beautiful"

"No problem….oh wait. There WAS that "vaginal demolition"

Doctor: "excuse me, vaginal what?"

Me: "I know, right? What a HORRIBLE name, but that's what the insurance company called it"

after I explained that it was really just the removal of granular tissue he went on…

Doctor: "And did the doctor indicate that you shouldn't have another vaginal birth?"

*I tried really hard not to laugh at this point. 

Me: "No, not at all"

Doctor: "Do you feel like it was difficult enough that you wouldn't want to have another vaginal birth?"

What I SAID: "No, not at ALL"

What I WANTED to say: "I would be, like, the WORST gestational carrier EVER if I offered to carry a baby and hadn't thought through if I would actually be ok with delivering that baby." 

3) But, the who's-crazy-now table turned pretty quickly when he asked about medications I was taking. 

Me: "Just a pre-natal"

after a pause….

Me: "Oh, and I just finished my placenta capsules"

Dr.: "I'm sorry, your what?"

He proceeded to ask me questions like "Who did this for you" and "So, they let someone leave with it?" "What is the process to encapsulate?" "How many capsules did you take" "How much does this cost?" and my FAVORITE "So, whose placenta was this?" and other questions that led me to believe that he thought I called up a local shaman to cleanse my aura and then throw my placenta in a ziplock baggie to some unsanitary field to say some prayers over it and shove it into capsules. (all of these things by the way are, like, the opposite of what really happens)

I wanted to be like, "Dude, I'm not crazy. I know right now you think I am crazy, but I'm not. Please still let me have this baby, I won't make anyone else ingest my placenta (except me)"

I think I may have been his first. 

I texted my husband: "It went well. My uterus looks good. The doctor thinks I'm a crazy hippie, but they didn't take any blood, so it's a win."

Speaking of my uterus, it was cool to get to see it without a baby. He showed me (and measured) my uterus from lots of different angles, and my ovaries. I even got some bonus info that they look like they produce a good number of eggs- not important until we are ready to try, but fun to note never the less. 

He showed me using a vaginal ultrasound, which was much less awkward than I remember it being. 

As he left he said, "We'll let you re-gain your modestly and re-join us in the office" and I wanted to be like, "Dude, if having a doctor do a vaginal ultrasound makes me question my modesty, we've got some big problems headed our way." Having already played my "crazy placenta midwife lady" card, I opted to reserve that little gem.

Instead I put on my underwear and greeted him literally 2 seconds later. 

"That was fast" he said. 

Well doc, I wore a dress and flip flops for a reason. This isn't my first rodeo. 

 *also of note, apparently I have a subconscious desire to call this man "Dude"

4) I got to ask my questions. One that had really been a fear of mine got answered quickly and easily. I wondered if the hormones I would be taking might negatively impact my chances of conceiving in the future (Brown baby #2). I was really thinking he would say "In a small number of women…blah blah blah", but he pretty much wiped that fear away and said that there should be no reason for me to worry about that. Well, gee, I wish I would have know that a month ago. I mean, that would have REALLY simplified the contract writing part of this process. I was over here worried about something that he's telling me is a non-issue. 

The up-side: what great news! That is a huge weight off my shoulders. 

5) As he was leaving the room I thought of one last thing, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I am afraid of needles" I didn't see his face, but I didn't need to. Props to him for not face-palming, especially since we JUST finished the placenta conversation.

I quickly followed it up with, "Which I realize I am going to need to get over pretty quickly" so he didn't think I was a naive idiot. Needles are one hurdle still left to be jumped. Mentally, I think I have convinced myself that if I can squeeze a fat roll before putting a needle in it, it will be ok. I'm not sure why that makes it seem more ok, but it does. So, hopefully that will be the case. If not, I'll get through it. 

In general, I left the appointment feeling like they were very serious about what they do. They wanted what was best for everyone. They felt the weight of this process, and wanted to make sure that I did too. I felt like they were protective over both the parents, and me- almost in a parental way, not with a favorite, but with the best interests of everyone in mind. 

Now, hopefully they don't write "Vaginally-demolished-crazy-hippie with fear of needles" in my chart and then we'll be just fine. 

Or do, that's fine, I'll own it.

 

I'm having THEIR Baby

We're (what feels like FINALLY) far enough along in the process that I can put it out there. I am getting ready to help an amazing family have their baby! 

April 14th…because there is no non-awkward way to be like, "Hey, can I grow your baby?"

Their pea, my pod.

Their bun, my oven.

I'm just the stork.

They planned the party, made the guest list (a tiny little embryo that I hear is quite the Grade A stunner), and I'm just providing the location.

*enough with the analogies already? ok, just one more

I'm like a nanny, but I don't have to change any diapers, the baby doesn't throw tantrums, and I feed him/her by eating something myself. Not a bad gig.

Ok, so it isn't all rainbows and unicorns. 

There will be morning sickness (I hear it will be substantially worse because of the drugs I'll be hopped up on). 

There will be aches

There will be stretch marks (although THIS time I know to basically buy out the belly butter/ cocoa butter section AND PUT IT ON MY HIPS. Lesson learned)

There will be mood swings (again, probably worse with the hormones)

There will be fatigue (it's a good thing I still regularly subscribe to the "sleep when the baby sleeps" mantra even though my "baby" is now a toddler)

There will be labor…not at New Birth Company, but (we hope, and as long as everything is running smoothly) with a midwife here. 

BUT, in the end, there will be a moment to make it all worth it. There will be the moment when this mommy and daddy meet their little one, and their little boy meets his little brother or sister. When this family of 3 becomes a family of 4. 

I could almost cry just thinking about it….and I'm not even on hormones yet!

My blog title, "I Get to Be the One" is taking on a VERY new meaning. What a privilege and an honor for a couple to say that they trust me to grow their baby. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to trust another person to do that. Not only are they entrusting me PHYSICALLY to grow the baby, but they are also entrusting that I can be a good teammate. 

That I will communicate. 

That I will share my feelings... even when they are hard. 

That I will be sensitive to, honor, and respect their feelings. 

That I will ask questions, and be ready to answer any they might have. 

That I will remember my role and not overstep unwritten boundaries

That we will all keep God at the center of this process. That we will listen to Him when he says "yes", and not push on any doors that He has closed (her wisdom, not mine…I TOLD you she was awesome)

That we let Him guide and direct us. 

That this baby will be prayed for early and often. 

That I can be flexible.

That I will be able to compromise and problem solve as a TEAM when choices need to be made that impact us all and there aren't clear solutions

And that's a lot. SO many things in life have been modeled for us, so we just kind of "knew" what to do and how we wanted to do it. Dating, weddings, having Eli…all of these things were things that we had seen done by others before us. We knew what to expect. We compromised and problem solved even when it was difficult- which any of those things were at certain points. Problem solving with 2 different people is hard enough- but imagine 4. 

4 people, with 4 different roles, 4 different life stories that have given them 4 different ways of viewing the world. 

The good news, is that even though we may be trying to pull off one of the biggest "group projects" any of us will ever be a part of- we all have the same goal. 

We all want this little embryo to turn into a little fetus, and that little fetus to turn into a little baby, and that little baby to meet the people who have put in SO much love and time to make sure THEY would get to be the ones. 

The ones to freak out over the first positive pregnancy test.

The ones who get to tell their little boy that he's going to be a big brother.

The ones to hold hands when they hear baby's first heartbeat. 

The ones who hold their breathes right before they find out if their baby is a little boy or a little girl.

The ones who will be putting together a nursery and buying tiny clothes to hang on tiny hangers.

The ones who will be counting down the days until the due date, probably sleeping less and less each night it gets closer.

The ones who will get to watch their baby be born and really be PRESENT for every moment in a unique way that is such a blessing. 

The ones who will be there smiling so much it hurts as they hold their baby for the first time. As they count those fingers and toes, the toes that will one day patter around their house. As they see the face that has been in hiding for 9 months, the face that they will watch grow older and older. As they hug and kiss their baby, the first kisses of a lifetime more to come. 

…and I get to be there for almost all of it. 

What an honor. 

I mean, really. 

These are some of the most intimate moments in a couples' lives- and they are entrusting ME to share in those moments with them. 

I feel the weight of that. 

People have asked me if this or that would be hard for me (mainly delivering a baby and not leaving with a baby), and I have to say, that doesn't worry me. It never has. That part has always just made sense to me. 

What worries me MOST, 

what fills my brain at 1 am, 

is being worthy of that honor. 

 I want this pregnancy, this whole experience, to be filled with joy. I want, more than anything else, for this family to look back and say, "That went better than we could have ever imagined" 

That the healthy, unique, beautiful little baby they created won't have to be the thing that makes trudging though this experience worth it, but instead is the natural outcome of the healthy, unique, beautiful journey it took that baby to get into their arms.

I'm going to try my hardest to document that journey here. I'll attempt to answer some of the common questions I get, and describe the process in general- because as the mom and I agree- it is FASCINATING (even to non pregnancy and labor junkies like me)

We'll work on a blog approved name for her too- because "the mom" sounds so sterile and boring, and she is neither of those things.  I also promise not to be as serious-face as I just was. I mean, I didn't intend to be so deep, but that's what came out. 

For now, a toast to this little secret being a little less secret.
(this is from our vacation, she jumped through hoops and language barriers to try and send us flowers and champagne to our room. She even got my parents in on it. I know, SO sweet.)