Hormones Begin...

Tomorrow I feel like things get real. Sure, I've had ultrasounds, blood tests, meetings with therapists, and signed a contract...but none of those things CHANGED me. 

I think that's what makes tomorrow feel big, even though when I told my husband, "I start my first hormone tomorrow" his reaction was a bland, "ok"

TECHNICALLY I suppose I was "taking hormones" before now, but it was just your run of the mill birth control (which I thought for sure I would never see again back when I quit a few years ago)
 Those don't feel real though. 

I'd been there. 

I'd done that. 

The hormones I start tomorrow (a little blue pill twice a day) symbolize the REAL unknown, the REAL "you're prepping your body for their baby". 

I won't lie and say I'm not nervous. 

Nervous that I'll be a train wreck emotionally. 

Nervous that I'll be worn down and unable to be the mom to Eli I want to be. 

Nervous that it won't work and all the guilt (wait, I'm supposed to re-frame that to be "disappointment") I would feel. 

So, all these things are popping up from my subconscious (I don't spend a lot, if any, time consciously worrying about it) on my drive home from a meal-prep workshop. *maybe because that is the first chunk of time I've had truly ALONE to let my mind wander

I decided I should probably pray about it, especially given this perfect 25 minute commute opportunity. 

Fully intending to be the talker, not the listener, I skipped my iTunes past the current song (it was that song from RENT about all those minutes- great song, but not really the feel I was going for) to get background music. 

Sure enough, I got JUST the song I needed. It's one of those songs that you know, and you sing, but you've never really HEARD it. 

I love those moments where you just know you are meant to be right where you are doing right what you are doing and hearing exactly what you are hearing. 

I decided if God was going to do the talking, I was going to shut up and listen. 

He delivered. 

You should listen. But listen thinking of those specific worries I had on my mind. Whoa. 

Kutless, Carry Me to The Cross.

Music does it for me. This isn't the first time in this process He's given me a song (in fact, he may just be making my birthing playlist!) The first song He gave me will ALWAYS remind me of this family and this process. I heard it in concert once and remember thinking, "I feel nothing right now. I feel like this should be moving and touching and impactful (*not a word)- but I feel literally nothing." I wasn't even sure I LIKED the song. 

Then this gestational carrier process happened. I heard it on the radio one morning and cried by the end of the first refrain. 

When I hear it, I imagine the birth of the baby. It's dim. It's quiet. I'm needing reassurance and a second wind of energy (if you're a birthie, think transition) and the parents are there wanting to make it not hurt, but feeling helpless: so they pray.

Some birth strategies encourage you to pick a mantra- Something to set the tone, motivate you, and keep you focused on what you really think is important- that refrain is my mantra. I realized I don't just want it to be my mantra for the delivery, but for the entire process. The good AND the bad. The celebrations AND the disappointments.
*yes, this sounds crazy. I wrote off a "mantra" the second someone suggested it, but then Rico accidentally started repeating "Stay low, stay calm" throughout Eli's labor and it really did help.*

It really is a simple song, but it IMMEDIATELY resonated with me even though only months before it meant nothing. 

THEN we sang it at church the next day (love our worship band, but incorporating NEW music isn't something they do) and I cried again! I obviously HAD to tell the mom, and when she listened to it, she saw a rainbow... And also cried. All these tears!
*Right now you either think we are all nutcases or you totally get it.*

Since then, klove has played it almost every single time I've gotten in the car (which isn't shocking, as klove can tend to go overboard- but this time I don't mind). Even when I drive 3 minutes to the grocery store I will inevitably hear it.  

But back to hormone-eve. After the Kutless song, I said "thanks!" out loud, and by the time the introductory notes for the next song came on I was laughing. He did it again. 

I have a song that got me through the stress of teaching. I would play it every morning in my car before going in to work.
Every morning.
Even if I was running behind.
 Sometimes I listened to it on loop.
 I once listened to it 10 times in a row. 

THAT was the next song. 

I had just heard it the day before, while working out and had to skip it (listen to it, you'll see it's the EXACT opposite of what you shod listen to while trying to motivate yourself to run just one more lap). I was disappointed because with all the music on my iTunes, it is very rare that it just pops up when I play my entire play list on shuffle, so I didn't know the next time I would get to hear it. (The next day apparently. )

There was nothing left to do but let out a chuckle and enjoy. 

"Slow me down" by the Robbie Saeys Band. (If you have control issues or a perfectionist personality or are just feeling overwhelmed- you should probably listen to this song)

So now, waiting for bed (I think my tea must have been caffeinated) I'm thankful for these reminders. For the songs that tell me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Thankful that (besides Erik) the first person I wanted to run home and tell was the mom, because I knew she would think it was as cool as I did. That Kutless song ALSO reminded me that I get to be thankful for all the support I have around me. I don't have to be worried about how this might bring me down, because I've got family 3 minutes away in any direction. Plus, this baby's mom had to go through the hormone game last go-around so once again, "I'm not alone". Even the baby's Grandma has been an encouraging word at just the right time. We've got people all over the state praying for us- people I don't know, and people the parents have never met.
* I get that the line is intended to be about God, but in this instance it can ALSO be about the amazing people He's surrounded me with for when times get hard.

REALLY amazing people.